Friday, February 18, 2011

Boomslang sister!

Greetings, friends of the Peachster!  The Reckmonster here.  I am doing a little guest post for Peachy while she hurries her ass up and gets better recuperates from her surgery.  I'm quite honored to be hanging out on the Peachster's blog.  Peachy and I are "Cobra Sisters."  That's an inside joke...I'll get to it in a minute.

First and foremost, I want to wish heaps and mounds and tons of love and happy thoughts to our beloved Peachy while she is on the mend...  I personally made a HUGE sacrifice (involving ceasing and desisting with some activities involving my neighbor's goat...) when I got on the red phone to the Big Guy upstairs, to personally GUARANTEE Peachy's hasty recovery and all things good, because, y'know, she's like the HBoBG ("Head Bitch of Blogging Goddesses"), and we NEED her to be feeling all good and shit.  SOOOO...Peachy, get well soon...dammit, I gave up the goat!

Now, our good friend Miley was kind enough to "introduce" me to the Peachster.  What we didn't KNOW was that we kind of already "knew" each other.  See, Peachy is a military brat, and so am I.  Peachy lived in Thailand and so did I (and roughly around the same time, but she consulted with her elephant memory daddy...and alas, he did not know my dadster - but chances are, they probably knew the same people).  

Okay, so, I fancy myself one day becoming a secret deadly ninja assassin.  Like one of the "Kill Bill" chicks.  I've even given myself my code name:  The Spitting Cobra.  Peachy thought that was funny, so she started saying, "Cobra Sisters Unite!"

Well, you all know that Peachy brings the verbal ninja assassin game to an all new level.  That's why I decided to induct her into the "new" krewe (and I say it like that 'cuz it's getting closer to Mardi Gras, and she lives down there in Mardi Gras land) of Kill Bill secret deadly ninja assassins.  It took me a little while to figure out what "code name" to give the HBoBG.  I mean, it's sooooo not fucking scary to go around calling oneself the HBoBG (even if it IS a super cool thing to be).

I googled "deadly snakes" to see what I could come up with.  I wanted to call Peachy "Copperhead" because, well, she's one of them thar fiery chiquitas, but that damned bitch Vivica Fox took that code name.  Hooker.  She doesn't even have red hair.

I googled and googled until my eyes almost popped out of my head, because the truth is, I fucking HATE snakes with a deep, dark, furry, purple passion, and looking at all of those pictures of snakes really creeped me out.  There was nothing "cool" that popped out (the damned hookers from the original Kill Bill ninja asssassin krewe took all of the rock star deadly snake names).  And then...I happened upon a snake I had never heard of, and, it was DEADLY, with a rock star name. 

Deadly Boomslang, Bitches!!
See Peachy sticking out
her tongue at you?!
BOOMSLANG.  Yes, Boomslang.  

The Wikepedia sez:    
boomslang (Dispholidus typus) is a relatively small, venomous colubrid snake native tosub-Saharan Africa.[1] It is currently the only species in its genus, although several species and subspecies have been described in the past. Its name means "tree snake" in Afrikaansand Dutch[2] ("boom" meaning tree (a cognate of "beam" which means a long and large piece of wood, generally a support in a building), and "slang" meaning snake).

I say, what a HELLA cool name!  But then I read a little further, and the Wikipedia also sez:  

The venom of the boomslang is primarily a hemotoxin. It disables the blood clotting process and the victim may well die as a result of internal and external bleeding.[1][4] Other signs and symptoms include: headachenausea, sleepiness and mental disorders.    

I would TOTALLY buy that.  If Peachy injects her venom into you - the signs and symptoms are headache, nausea, sleepiness and MENTAL DISORDERS!!!  Hell Yeah!!  If Peachy strikes at you, you will die a slow, sleepy, nauseous, headachey death, all the while looking like a total nut case.  Could that BE any more appropriate?!

Big hugs and get-well wishes to the Boomslang sister!

On behalf of Peachy, Reckmonster out!


Oilfield Trash said...

Great guest post Reck!!!!

squatlo said...

Peachyone couldn't have found a more appropriate guest "blobber" if she did interviews and offered free lodging at the Cobra Sisters Hostel as a perk!

Love both of your sites, so this is all good in my book.

BTW Reck? Mooner heard about the lonely goat and has headed to Murfreesboro with a tranq dart and some lube. Sorry...

Marie Nicole said...

That is by far the coolest guest post I've read (all day) oh, ok, ever! Kill Bill rules!

Get well soon Peachy!

The Reckmonster said...

Thanks for still reading Peachy's blog even though she's not here!!

And me put up flyers telling folks to hide their goats!!

Hey Peach - if you're high on pain meds and reading this - we heart you and hope all went well!!!

Mooner Johnson said...

Peachster [in absentia], Reck [always in my heart], and Squatlo [you sonofabitch]. OK, first, great post, hate snakes, yadda, yadda, yawn.

Let's talk about the goat. So, second, goat is savored by cultures from around the world and in many places a man's power and virility is measured by how many goats he has in his herd.

I have never had sex with a goat, but I have been to Mexico border towns back when a donkey and a goat were found on the employee rosters at most bars. The best thing I can say is, "OK, maybe everyone should see that once. Maybe."

Reck, how, precisely, does a woman practice having sex with a donkey with a pecker like a baseball bat?

Maybe that was inappropriate for Peachy's place. But Squat brought it up.

Get well soon Miss Peachy!

(I'm a typing "boote" to post this!)