Wednesday, October 23, 2013

I will cut a bitch


I make stellar deserts, cakes, chocolates, candies, cookies, pies.  I'm really awesome.  I make them for people who need a pick me up.  I make them for birthdays, favors and gifts.

Sometimes I make a cake or pie for no special reason other than the wonderful smell and the fact I know someone will smile when I offer them a piece ( or 2).

One of the best parts of making pies, is sharing them.  I love to share my pies.  I will share an entire pie, not even keeping a slice for myself.  It's easy for me to make a pie, maybe not so easy for them.

However.   I will not have anyone  break into my house and steal my pie or even a piece of it.  I will stab them with a batter beater, or shoot them with a deadly spit ball fired at lightening speed.  

Seriously,  I will make pies if I have ingredients and time and skill,  and I will give them to family, friends, strangers and give the whole pie or the last slice.  But don't fucking tell me who get's my pie.  

If you can see the logic behind the above Pie story.  I hope with all my heart you understand exactly what is happening in our country.

You work for the money to buy the ingredients,   you work to bake the pie, and then, in front of your face, a stranger will walk in and take then entire damn pie.

It could be a murderer or a drug dealer, or a construction worker turned rouge burglar since jobs are short, and frankly just walking in my house and taking the pie without permission is a helluva lot easier than  carrying a kabillion tons of shingles up and down a ladder in the blazing sun.  Stealing the pie so much easier.

So we change the law so that it's no longer illegal to break and enter if you are only burgling pies. Because honestly everyone,  everyone deserves a pie,  what kind of monster thinks that they deserve a pie and someone else doesn't?   My god think of the children who have no pie.  it's in the damn constitution,  equal pie for everyone.  ( except for the bitch who made it)...

I'm too tired to fight, and can't stand the constant going without once my pies are stolen.  It's hard work,  I mean it costs money for the ingredients so we have to work, and then I have to shop, oh how I hate walmart.  Then making and cooking the pie, and the dishes oi vay!  I hate dishes.   Plus I have been making all these pies and all these people are taking them since it's legal and they deserve pies so my family hasn't actually gotten to eat a pie in months.  It seems like everyone has pie all the time, except us, no matter how many I bake.

Eventually all the other pie makers will become unhappy that they forgot what pie tastes like even if they bake 15 a day...  So slowly, one by one..  We each stop making pies.

OMG it's so awesome.   Since we stopped making pies,  I have been able to walk in and just take a pie from a stranger.  It's so awesome, so easy, and costs nothing.   WHY THE HELL HAVE I BEEN BAKING ALL THESE PIES FOR YEARS..

I was so stupid, I will never make a pie again, making pies is for pie suckers !  hahahah.  suckers...
( I hope they don't all wise up and stop,  but they probably will, because they are evil and don't care about all of us that have a right to a pie...   but I'm sure the Government will make sure we all get out pies from somewhere,  and it won't cost anyone anything.

it's like pie- fucking- magic....   free pie fucking magic.

Awesome.  I'm sure this will work out just fine.



Holly Briley said...

And I never got to try your pies.. :(

Al Penwasser said...

And when all the pies are gone, all they'll have left is cake.
And I hate cake.
Especially coconut.

Vinny C said...

Note to self: Never mess with Peachy's pies... Not without asking first, that is.

Anonymous said...

Now I really want some pie! Deep dish apple sounds so yummy right now. And hey! I thought I was already following you and now I'm following again!