I will cut a bitch

DON'T   TOUCH   MY   DAMN   PIE ! 

I make stellar deserts, cakes, chocolates, candies, cookies, pies.  I'm really awesome.  I make them for people who need a pick me up.  I make them for birthdays, favors and gifts.

Sometimes I make a cake or pie for no special reason other than the wonderful smell and the fact I know someone will smile when I offer them a piece ( or 2).

One of the best parts of making pies, is sharing them.  I love to share my pies.  I will share an entire pie, not even keeping a slice for myself.  It's easy for me to make a pie, maybe not so easy for them.

However.   I will not have anyone  break into my house and steal my pie or even a piece of it.  I will stab them with a batter beater, or shoot them with a deadly spit ball fired at lightening speed.  

Seriously,  I will make pies if I have ingredients and time and skill,  and I will give them to family, friends, strangers and give the whole pie or the last slice.  But don't fucking tell me who get's my pie.  

If you can see the logic behind the above Pie story.  I hope with all my heart you understand exactly what is happening in our country.

You work for the money to buy the ingredients,   you work to bake the pie, and then, in front of your face, a stranger will walk in and take then entire damn pie.

It could be a murderer or a drug dealer, or a construction worker turned rouge burglar since jobs are short, and frankly just walking in my house and taking the pie without permission is a helluva lot easier than  carrying a kabillion tons of shingles up and down a ladder in the blazing sun.  Stealing the pie so much easier.

So we change the law so that it's no longer illegal to break and enter if you are only burgling pies. Because honestly everyone,  everyone deserves a pie,  what kind of monster thinks that they deserve a pie and someone else doesn't?   My god think of the children who have no pie.  it's in the damn constitution,  equal pie for everyone.  ( except for the bitch who made it)...

I'm too tired to fight, and can't stand the constant going without once my pies are stolen.  It's hard work,  I mean it costs money for the ingredients so we have to work, and then I have to shop, oh how I hate walmart.  Then making and cooking the pie, and the dishes oi vay!  I hate dishes.   Plus I have been making all these pies and all these people are taking them since it's legal and they deserve pies so my family hasn't actually gotten to eat a pie in months.  It seems like everyone has pie all the time, except us, no matter how many I bake.

Eventually all the other pie makers will become unhappy that they forgot what pie tastes like even if they bake 15 a day...  So slowly, one by one..  We each stop making pies.

OMG it's so awesome.   Since we stopped making pies,  I have been able to walk in and just take a pie from a stranger.  It's so awesome, so easy, and costs nothing.   WHY THE HELL HAVE I BEEN BAKING ALL THESE PIES FOR YEARS..

I was so stupid, I will never make a pie again, making pies is for pie suckers !  hahahah.  suckers...

( I hope they don't all wise up and stop,  but they probably will, because they are evil and don't care about all of us that have a right to a pie...   but I'm sure the Government will make sure we all get out pies from somewhere,  and it won't cost anyone anything.

it's like pie- fucking- magic....   free pie fucking magic.

Awesome.  I'm sure this will work out just fine.

xoxo
PEACH OUT

Being smoking hot, and married.

Well well somebody is going to get lucky!


So me and my tolerant hubs stop in the local joint and grab a bowl of tepid egg drop.. blah whatever.
They give me a fortune cookie and half assedly I barely even care about opening it.  I'm that defeated.


The past few years I have noticed that fortune cookies don't really give you a fortune anymore, they just give you some  blah blah quote shit.  That's not a fortune that's a freaking phrase, quote or saying.

Also I don't want you giving those damn "lucky numbers"  because they don't have a lottery in this state so just quit reminding me I wont get a fortune and I can't even take a stab at it with a lotto ticket.


The air was sucked out of my lungs and my eyes about popped out of my head  when I saw this !

I know everyone has been hurting with the economy, but seriously I thought my ramen noodle suffrage was over when I got that Masters degree...   No one ever warned me that a major in Beer Pong wasn't all that employable.   So this is it, this is that moment,  WE ARE SO LUCKY !!!

I show it to my husband...

His eyes get huge, really huge, and he spits out his wanton and looks at me and says,

"OH SHIT I'M GOING TO DIE!"

Seeing the fear in his eyes and the terror in his voice,  I had to quickly redirect him, like any good wife would.  I had to save MY MAN !

I threw my non existent pride under the bus to break the tension ( like always ).

I looked him in the eye, waived the fortune cookie in front of his face, and then watched his eyes follow the fortune cookie down my cleavage and under the table in probably the sexiest move I have pulled off since the old tying the cherry stem in a knot with my tongue trick back in the day. which I am sure looks so much cooler in my memory since I was drunk

Then, channeling my best, "when Harry met Sally" spirit, I went for the Oscar.

I grabbed the table with both hands looked him in the eyes and quietly started breathing a little harder, and moaning, but just for a second.. because we've been married so long foreplay isn't something we dedicate a lot of time to,  I started alternating the "oh yeah's" and "mmm baby"  with each round getting louder.

At first he looked like he was trying to figure out if he should call 911.   Which if you know me, is pretty much the "go to" first step.  You just never know if I am an going to start flopping on the floor like a a salmon   flung out of stream by a bear.  

I had to dig deep and bring more sexy..   so I brought a little throaty purr and with a sexy flick of the hair looked him in they eyes to make double sure he knew the jig and would get it.

He took his eyes off of me, and was looking behind me like Dr Who was on or something and so I turned my purr into a growl.  

It was at that moment the sweet non english speaking lady that works there came from behind me with a glass of water,  put her hand on my shoulder,  motioned with her hands, the universal sign for choking, followed with the universal sign of drink water.

Which I followed with the universal sign of,  "oh yeah I'm totally freaking choking thanks so much for this water. cough cough.

Which my husband followed with the universal sign of,  ROARING LAUGHTER that made the windows shake.

My job was done...   He had totally forgotten that seconds before he was in fear for his life, 

We got in the car- 

him:  giggle giggle

me:  giggle giggle

him:  shakes his head giggle giggle

me: did you get it ?

him: giggle giggle,   get what?

me:  the fortune duh!

him:  what are you talking about?

me:  the fortune?  me COMING into a fortune...  duh....

him: the spelling is different that's not what it meant.

me: wow. so seriously, you didn't get it?

him:  you must be so embarrassed...

Oh yeah people clearly I am still smoking hot. 

 Don't hate me because I'm this sexy.

 Cause I am fixing to be rich bitches!

xo PEACH OUT

Apocalypse How?

This was originally posted 2/2/11 by me, the artwork and concept is mine, yes it's sad that I am proud of this  Also, I really really hope I am right about this one.

A lot of people are freaking smooth out because of the Mayan Calendar.  So I used my Government Experience to come up with a more feasible explanation of what happened.











That's the  mystery behind they Mayan Calendar. Now you know.

.

XO

PEACH OUT

You better be freaking kidding me.

ONLY IN AMERICA.......

Here are the Stellas for year -- 2011:



* SEVENTH PLACE *



Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son



Start scratching!



* SIXTH PLACE *



Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.



Scratch some more...



* FIFTH PLACE *



Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish Keep scratching. There are more...



Double hand scratching after this one..



*FOURTH PLACE*



Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.



Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..



* THIRD PLACE *



Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?



Only two more so ease up on the scratching...



*SECOND PLACE*



Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.



Ok. Here we go!!



* FIRST PLACE *



This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?

$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

Pretty sure I have a fucking brain cloud.

OK if you don't watch scrubs first fuck you, because it was awesome, also now it's on really late in re runs so that means you don't suffer from insomnia  so chances are you don't have a damn brain cloud so screw you.

But they had this one episode where this chick heard everything as a musical and it was super freaking hilarious that was until they found out she had a brain tumor.  Which I will call a Brain Cloud because I loved Joe and the Volcano and if you don't know that movie well then double fuck off because that means your probably younger than me and I hope you order a hot fudge sundae and it's really hot and sticks to the roof of your mouth and shit. Because clearly I am having issue with my Brain cloud. Clearly I must have one.

The obvious evidence I have one is that I have found myself singing everything to myself to remember shit.

The problem is it is not a show tune.  I guess this means I am not gay, which is a bummer, because as a chick I would love to be gay because there are some seriously hot chicks I would love to get to at least 3rd base with and I love hot shoes and hooker boots and fake eyelashes and doing the super model stomp and flipping my hair around and acting like a diva.  OH HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE.  As a chick I can do that without being gay right?  SA-WEET!  I feel much better about not being gay but I am still bummed about the idea of living with this fucking brain cloud and singing everything to myself.

All last month I constantly sang the song " think of me, think of me fondly" whenever left a room or told someone good bye.  Now that may sound funny.  To me it was,  but to everyone else it wasn't probably because my singing is like a bag of kittens being beaten with the hammer of Thor.  But at least it was a theme right?  I mean it served a purpose and didn't point towards a BRAIN CLOUD !

But this past weekend I caught myself singing instructions to myself at every turn. To 1 particular tune.
"Get your panties on."    "Put the clothes in dryer."   "Load the dish   washer"    "Feed the fucking dogs."    "Shut the backdoor now."    " Open  power bill"    "put phone on charger"

WHAT THE FUCK IS WAPNER ON AT 5PM?  HOW MANY TOOTHPICKS ARE IN THAT BOX? DO  I NEED MY UNDERWEAR FROM K-MART?    

"I    AM      IRON    MAN"

holy bob, I have a brain cloud,  I am not only talking to myself, I am singing reminders of mundane tasks to myself, while sober to the tune of fucking iron man.  That's it woman,  it's over,  you have done what can not be undone.  To much radon, or florecent lighting, or mt dew, or whatever. Just get some big ass luggage,  and fling your fat ass in a volcano for the good of mankind.    

Don't  bother sending help, I fear I am too far gone already.

XO

PEACH OUT

Beep........................

I can't come to the internet right now because I am

a) dating the chick that felt me up at TSA

b) being probed by aliens

c) smuggling a water buffalo internationally

d) capturing the aurora boriealis in a jar

e) can't find the proper code to my time machine

g) getting fitted for my oscars gear because you guys don't know that I am actually nominated

h) doing Lindsey Lohans nails for her next court appearance.

i)  in the witness protection program because I am the one that cut Justank Beavers hair and now all the little girls want to kill me

j)  trying to help my Dr's and Surgeons put their kids through college and buy a yacht named after me

k)  in private meetings with Stan Lee in regards to my new super powers and working on my "comic book"

l) had all my electronics taken by homeland security since my 9 yr old emailed the president and Governor saying, I may just be a kid but this is American so you work for me,  do you wear a seatbelt?"

m) Brendan Fraser showed up and duct taped my husband in the hall closet so we could have alone time and I figured since he went to all that trouble it would be rude of me to blog in between make out sessions.

n)  got a ticket to Hollywood on American Idol and now I have to sing for big lips, big ass, and big dog.

o) actually re anacting every scene from the "Bourne Identity"  which involves a lot of  freaking false document  creation

p)  decided to start building a pool for spring, by digging with a spoon.

q) tried to duct tape my boobs up where they belong for a Mardi Gras ball and got my hand stuck to my boobs and can't get loose, but my boobs look awesome.

r) working out custody arrangements for my youngest kid with Bill Nye the science guy.

s) had to go back to stripping due to the economy and have been busy trying to find sparkley orthopedic stripper heels

t) caught a unicorn in my acme unicorn trap and he keeps zapping me with rainbow power from his horn every time I go near him

u)  am doing time in the big house because I ran naked onto a PGA Golf course and my boob hit a couple players now we are all doing the tour.

v) helping Brett Farves wife make sure he ends up completely broke and homeless with an IHOP waitress

w) on a super secret mission to resolve world peace in the middle east

x) trying to use Lady GaGa in my sons egg breaking science experiment

y) letting Charlie Sheen detox in my house which is hard since I have a lot of vodka.

z) feeling so inadequate after all of these awesome guest posters that I am rocking back and forth and questioning my abilities and worth.

So go read this guest post by a couple of my friends who clearly rock hard.

http://www.beingpeachy.com/2011/02/24/the-animated-woman-and-why-is-daddy-crying-are-being-peachy/

XO

PEACH OUT

toilets and conspiracies or why we need take out in space.

This morning I went to get up and it was hard work.   If it weren't for my hybrid dalmatian rooster/alarm clock I could be dreaming about important stuff right now.

 So I fought the good fight and made it out of bed and into my chair where I parked my   Huge Lazy

adorable self so I could watch TV while I had my laptopWork. I mean truly I am really good at multi tasking.   But  I dropped the remote  was attacked out of no where, and it smashed on the floor and I had to bend over rescue it to get it and try to pop the batteries back in  repair it. Whatever.  It's raining. Wait no it's not. I really need my windows cleaned.  

How come when ever you hear a maid they say, " I don't do windows!".  If I were a maid I would be like, " I don't do toilets!"  because GROSS, wouldn't a window be a tad less gross to clean than a strangers toilet?

But I don't really have to worry about that because I very confident I will not be a maid.  It's not that I wouldn't, it's that I can't, I suck at cleaning y'all.  Really.   No shit, I just do,  I could be a cook? I mean if I had somebody to do the dishes or something.

You may be asking yourself, "self , how does this all relate in the grand scheme of things?"   I have answers. I have uncovered a conspiracy. Yes you heard it and now you are part of the AGBSCL . It stands for Anti Gravity Boycotting Sagging Conspiracy League.  (I wanted to call it the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen but since I don't know any gentlemen and I am a chick that wouldn't be smart, and if nothing else boy am I smart.  Because I figured all this out and only a smart person could.)  That's right Gravity we are on to you and your devious ways.  I know your the law and all that but laws were made to be broken.  I am all about breaking you buddy.

After a boatload of scientific type studies I have some pretty resounding facts.

Fact 1- Gravity makes it hard to get up in the morning, it actually tries to keep you in your warm cozy bed, which may seem all nice, but it's not. It's a plot to keep you from being productive, so all of gravities friends can get better jobs and steal your friends because you wont get out of your bed.

Fact 2- Gravity made the rain fall DOWN, down do you hear me people?  Thus causing puddles and mud and in some areas flooding. If it weren't for gravity we would not be having these issues.  It could rain up, and then voila no more gravity induced watery type issues.

Fact 3 - It is a proven fact that gravity hates all my technology devices. Including the remote I broke it attacked this morning. 

Fact 4 - This is probably the biggest and most important 1. I have factual scientific proof that gravity is trying to make me NOT sexy anymore.  That's  right, and chances are it's happening to you and possibly the people you love.

exhibit A - My boobs, my boobs that were once all bouncy and smexy  are slowly but surely turning into pendulous tripping objects. Yes I actually fear that one day I could trip on my own boob. This is bad people, I am not graceful anyway and throwing a boob in the mix well that just spells disaster. Did I mention that if I fail to sleep with a sports bra I may or may not have to wake my husband up and ask him to get OFF my boob?

"I could probably levitate easier with out Gravity.

exhibit B- My butt.  I had a really cute butt. I mean like not quite junk in the trunk butt,  but the butt was in proper proportion and place in perspective of my former boobs.  However I have noticed that maybe my thighs aren't getting huge as much as my butt is dropping. At some point I may no longer be able to differentiate between the 2. This is a crushing blow.

 

* Side note-  however my husbands butt, which was a nice butt, has now moved completely away. His has not dropped but instead appears to be moving around to the front near his naval, which scientifically means he sleeps on his side and thus gravity pulled his butt around.  This look was best described by my daughter who said, " Dad looks like a frog stood up and pulled on pants."   Clearly either gravity is discriminating against us based on sex or he is in league with gravity and not my league.  I may have to re-think dinner options for him if further evidence piles up against him.

.

I have been worried about this entire gravity conspiracy thing for a while, and come to one conclusion. I have to move to space.  Have I ever told you how much I hate moving?  However if I lived in space I could turn my xbox up really loud when we play rock band because no one would complain.  Also No grass to cut. Hell to the yeah on that one.  I don't think there are bee's in space either which is yet another huge plus.  But the lack of ability to have take out for dinner may be a deal breaker.  So if there are any entrepreneurs out there might I suggest investing in space take out.  Right now that's the only thing holding me back.  Well that and GRAVITY... it's everywhere... ARG.

How Kevin ruined Bacon- the time I didn't get arrested

I've lived a thousand lives, 

and was nearly arrested in all but 2. 

Those are the ones they caught me.

During High School I lived in a tiny town in central Florida that had 1 catwalk ( the thing for pedestrians to cross the street over traffic- not the cool high fashion catwalk).

In retrospect  this catwalk being within 1 block of my high school where everyone knew me might not have been the best place to skip for the first time.

Maybe if I were just sitting  there quietly and not drawing attention to myself I would have been ok.  But no I had to be all "footloose, kick off my Sunday shoes".

Yes that's right. I skipped school the very first time after watching the movie "Footloose with Kevin Bacon".

It's not that the movie was that so amazingly awesome, and I am not a big Kevin Bacon fan. ( However I friggin LOVE real  bacon, or as my kid calls it, "pig meat".) Nothing against you Kevin, I am sure you're reading this and  I do NOT want to hurt your feelings. I just never really connected to much of the stuff you did, including your music. I am sure your fantastic and all that it's just my personal thing ok,  at the time I was busy being all hot over John Bon Jovi.  ( shout out Johnny babe, remember me from that concert, sure you do!)

But Kev, ( I can call you Kev right?)  your movie did inspire me. To skip school, put your soundtrack in my walkman ( google ancient technology), and then attempt to do your movie  moves across my towns catwalk. ( which could have only hurt my street cred, because people called my mom and the school thinking I was suffering from a medical condition)

Is this my fault? No, it's yours.  You did this, this was the marked beginning of  my awesome crazy wild memories downfall as a teenager.

Well that and the entire living so close to Dayton Beach that I thought spring break was the entire year round and would eventually end  up on MTV spring break 4 years in a row and who the heck knew my mom would be watching that crap? ( shout out to Mom in case she figured out browsers from email and finds this..)

On the upside, it was pretty much the point I also realized you only go around 1 time ?  Smell the roses? Enjoy your life?  So I have to thank you for that, which is probably the soul reason I secretly bought  your CD , "Forosoco" ( still available at amazon) . See that Kev I pimped your CD because 
you taught me to skip school and dance like a moron in the middle of my town,
 you were part of my coming of age.  Much like "Breakfast Club". "Ferris Buellers Day off",  "Sixteen Candles",  "Weird Science", "Pretty in Pink" and "Risky Business" .

Except in each of those movies there was a guy I was willing to make out with.
(*Note* if you have not watched every single one of these movies at least 2 times each, you fail and better head on over to netflix and get you some life).
 (*Disclaimer* I am not saying I would not make out with you under any circumstances. As a married woman I have found there are many things I can overlook and honestly  I am not seeing that many flaws with you compared to some others. )

I wish I could make my daughter in college sit down and watch all the above movies, including yours, except I don't want her to skip school, lend her panties to a nerd,  turn a barbie and porno into a human,  steal a car, hire a hooker, and make out with a dude while she wears a flammable bridesmaid dress as she leans over candles, and wreck her parents car.  I ended up doing all of those, well except for the barbie thing,  that was a bogus script and shit theory, it totally did not work with the GI Joe I stole from my brothers.

But  each of these movies taught me something, they  marked a certain stage in my life, and I am sure in some way the have helped me enjoy the ride.

So Kev, honey, I blame you for the beginning of  my awesomeness, before that I was just another chick in a school showing up and learning.

Why did I think dancing like this was acceptable in public?

Let's be clear that I blame nothing on Brendan Fraser because he is my main man, and entered my life way after I was all formative and junk.  But he lurves me, visits me while my husband is at work, is the father to 1 of my children,  is the main focus of a lot of my adult dreams,
 has done some great work.


XO


PEACH OUT

PS- any stars I failed to give a shout out to that I totally owe a shout out to, I will get to you in time, whether you like it or not.  ( That's a heads up to you Van Halen { pre Hagar}, Ralph Macchio { you're my bud but you already know that}, Ratt { because that was the first music video I was in}, Judd Nelson { because I gave my earing to a dirtbag}, Curtis Armstrong, Steve Perry, Rod Stewart, Sting, Alan Ruck  and many many more... )

PSS- this post was not sponsored by Kevin Bacon,  The Anti Bacon Defamation League or Netflix, which means they all owe me BIG TIME.

I did a Greek in my Hot Tub and we got Salty

Well hello there, how do you do I, see you've met my, faithful, handy.......
Shit, sorry y'all, but my whatever the hell I have that distracts you mid sentence and OH MY BOB, my dog just farted and I swear it's a damn good thing she had her ass pointed AWAY from the fireplace, or she would have been propelled like a pack of bottle rockets out of the living room and through the breakfast Nook to the - Wait? Hold on what on earth kind of stupid word is Nook?  Does anyone eat breakfast in a freaking Nook?  Does that even sound appetizing?   For example:

"The other day we were just hanging out in the NOOK and my man got down on one knee and pointed to the rose petals laying around the NOOK that he had placed them so they would spell out I WOULD DIE FOR YOU."

Ok so which song is better?

Prince Purple Rain  I would die 4 u

or

Brain Adams  with Everything I do.


Also this tree has a penis.

I am so glad I finished my education before they invented ADD, ADHD.  We were just, "energetic", "talkative", or  "not filling our potential".

By the way, who the hell decides someones potential?  I have been to college, no where in the damn course catalog was  crystal ball reading or  "potential" readings.  Do you think they  ever said to a parent back then,  " yeah little Suzy is trying so hard and working her ass off in here, but really Mrs Smith,  she's dumb as a shack of carrots and reached her potential 5 years ago in 2nd grade.  At this point Mrs Smith you should probably just go ahead and focus little Suzy on finding a foot ball star to marry, might I suggest some tube tops?" No I don't think those conversations ever went down so I call bullshit on all my teachers k- College.

Then I saw the picture above and went, "Shit. I now remember what this was supposed to be about!"
I saw 3 movies this weekend was going to review them, sorry maybe tomorrow, if I remember.


Oh yeah on a final note,  the chick(?) in the picture above is totally wearing a tube top, but I bet no one tells her she aint reaching her potential.  Just sayin


xoxo
PEACH OUT

I had to stop dancing Naked

First you must know that my daughter is awesome, responsible, brilliant and she farts glitter.  She had her first 2 years of college near our home on scholarship, once she got her AS  she had to move a few hours away on her own to attend the University of which she pays for by herself.  (Thank you douchebag grant and scholarship people I hope the people you give the free education to actually use for something other than a meth lab)


In August 2009, she had just left home, spreading her confident wings when  less than a week and sent me an email detailing her daily struggles in a new town.  The end of it surprised me because she said,
 " Pray for me that I don’t get lost, I don’t get rained out, I make new friends, and that I get to Applebee’s on time and DON’T lock my keys in my car!

I love you and I can’t wait to see you this weekend.

Sam"

Sam's not a super religious person but clearly the compounding stress drove her to this request and I could tell she was homesick and a bundle of nerves.  At this point most mom's would have said something inspirational, motivational and loving.  I am not most mom's and the response I gave her is probably one of the reasons I will never be mother of the year.

Dearest Samantha,

 

    In accordance with your written formal request for prayer ( which dumbfounded me)  I immediately began the prayer procedure of my choice due to the fact you failed to outline the type of religion or diety rules.  Therefore the official minutes of the prayer meeting are enclosed as follows:

 

1-  the nekkie dancing under the moon with candles and flowers began at precisly 11am,

2- the wood nymphs watched in horror at my wiggidy whack dance moves for aproximately 15 minutes

3- around 1115 the majoritey (2/3rds) of the wood nymphs began puking

4-those wood nymphs who were not puking joined in my prayer dance

5- by midnight, the woods surrounding our house were sufficiantly cleared of those wildlife without a previous visual impairment.

6- by 1245am, the police showed up in haz mat gear saying they were responding to a suicide call from a racoon who was obviously driven to the state of madness from watching my fat ass jiggle around nekkie in the yard attempting to summons good tidings to you from the gods.

7- by 1am I was served with official legal notice from law enforcement to cease and dessist all nekkie dancing.

8- by 130am a judge came to the house after being woken up by the police chief due to an immediate danger to all citizens.

9- by 2am I was officially charge with animal cruelty and terrorist activites via my nudity and jiggling.

10-at 210am I entered a plea to a lesser charge and made an oath to never dance nekkie under the moon again for any reason.

11- by 230 all paperwork was notarized and filed in triplicate form, with the county clerks office, and 2 drunk wood nymphs were my witness.

12- at aproximately 305am I asked your father to summons his indian ancestors via a tribal dance

13- by 308 your father had fallen in one of the massive holes in our yard and twisted his ankle

13-b-  he landed in a pile of wood nymph puke

14- smelling like wood nymph puke and being injured, 3 drunk wood nymphs then violated your father in ways too illicet for me to speak of.

15- I beat the wood nymps off and out of your father using my bra as a sling shot and dante turds from the dirty kitty litter box as amo.

16- by 319am the wood nymphs were defeated by my ample supply of amo

17- at 325am I applied neosporin to your fathers wood nymph love bites and put him to bed

18- at 350am I placed my slingshot/bra in the washer

19- at 355am the police returned as they had a report from a pissed off armadillo that there was a domestic disturbance and possible sexual assult at this address.

20- by 415 am I had sucessfully bamboozeled the police into believe you dad is just a kinky dude and we were having fun.

21- at 420 am I quietly lit candles for you.

22- at 430 am I slipped into the tub to relax and meditate for good vibes for you.

23- at 440am I began to smell smoke

24- at 445am I began to worry about the smell of smoke

25- at 450 I convinced myself I should get out of the tub and do something about the smell of smoke

26- at 5am I came out to the family room to find ferries smoking a big fattie

27- at 510am I got out the cheetos, mt dew, recees cups and bong, and joined the ferries

28- around aproximately 530am me and the ferries got into a heavy discussion about politics and religion we were in strong disagreance but to stoked to fight

29- by 6am I thought the ferries should leave since alex would be up soon for school

30- at 610am I was escorting the ferries out a couple of wood nymphs saw me with the ferries and a big woodland mythical species gang style war broke out

31- at 620am the sun came up and all the mayham and lifeless bodies that were causalites of the woodland war just disappeared making little "poof" noises

32- at 630am alex woke up and I told him to help me pray your day would go good.

he blew out the candles, bowed his head and said, dear god, please keep my sissy safe and happy today in everything she needs,  and oh yeah, tell my mom to keep her bong in her closet.

33- I am promoting alex to the king of the prayer request club.

 

 

Hope everything is AWESOME FOR YOU MY DEAR....

 

I love you

mom

So I ask you my friends is it any wonder she changed her major to Abnormal Psychology?  She get's her bachelors in May.  I intend on keeping her busy with family stuff.

XO

PEACH OUT

* disclaimer*  I do not now, nor have ever owned a bong. Nor was my husband violated by fictional creatures.  Because if he was it would totally be on you-tube.