You down with CDC, yeah you know me - by the WHO

WEEK 2  OF THE MOST FUCKED UP  IMPORTANT SHIT STUDIES YOU WILL EVER READ MAYBE!


THE FACTS I WILL REVEAL IN THIS SERIES WILL GET ME

COMMITTED,  PICKED UP BY HOMELAND SECURITY

IN THE HISTORY BOOKS 

AT LEAST UNTIL THE EARTH ENDS.

As I revealed to you on last week only myself, (click here) Tom Hanks and Mel Gibson know the truth.  I am choosing to share it with you sans the stuffed beaver or best friend soccer ball head. 


I have spent   minutes,  hours, weeks, months,  years  researching the topic I am about to present you with and find that the following series will be the most fictitious conclusive argumentative  Scientific Study I have brought to you in at least a couple days, EVER.   The New York Times would  describes it as "Earth Shattering" and Wall Street Journal would say, " most enlightening series known to mankind."  if they were  tripping on LSD and buried in an under ground bunker with the only escape being writing what I say, they would probably have said that.

Just like a mommy logger giving away a $1.00 off coupon for huggies  first class national news programs.  I have the kind of dedicated dogs staff that will come through when it counts. This "BREAKING NEWS GRAPHIC"  should appear on your screen every 15 minutes as we flood you with utter speculation and misinformation  nothing but the facts. 

Recaps on what you have already learned in this series.

MONDAY 1/31/11-  I break the news that WE R MOTHERFUCKIN TIRED OF THESE MOTHERFUKIN APOCALYPSE STORIES ON THIS MOTHER FUCKING PLANET that through my diligent group of fellow lunatics who look just like my dogs  respectable scientist we have been able to prove the end is indeed NIGH 

TUESDAY 2/1/11- The Great Mayan Calendar is explained via the oldest discovered Dilbert like Cartoon. 

WEDNESDAY 2/2/11- The Earths Magnetic Stripper Poles are headed to Russia for vodka, things that just lay there ( assigned paid journalist) and how Goth kids are at fault. Probably

FRIDAY 2/4/11  -  Canaries are Crackheads and Angry Birds are killing things like themselves and stuff.

After your brain has soaked up the sickness scientific facts in all of those articles 

then you are ready for this next gigantic leap of illogic.

We  are under attack by multiple

 MORE POWERFUL NEXT GEN  PANDEMICS.

First let's go to the WHO ( not the band, but I am sure that's why the World Health Organization picked they name so that can sound cool like, " Yeah I have to go travel with the WHO in Europe next month.  Not to mention getting to say,  " Who said there's a new pandemic?" , "Who said that?"  "YES"  fucking brilliant scientist ROCK!) 

WHO defines a Pandemic as-

A disease epidemic occurs when there are more cases of that disease than normal. ( HA- the Who used the word normal this shit is awesome) A pandemic is a worldwide epidemic of a disease. A pandemic  occurs when a new  virus or mutated strain appears against which the human population has no immunity. WHO has defined the phases of a pandemic to provide a global framework to aid countries in pandemic preparedness and response planning.  The severity of a pandemic can change over the course of that pandemic.

Got it?  Who said that.   ( not "Who said that?"  shit I love this post)

You have no doubt heard of H1N1 ( swine flu)  and H5N1 ( bird or Avian flu for prissy folks)

These 2 pandemics had millions of people "flocking" ( ha)  to the Dr's to get "possible"  vaccinations.   Some countries went totally bat shit and wore surgical masks anytime they left their house so they looked like a not as pale version of Michael Jackson.   My question, why were there not more robberies?  You were allowed to wear a freaking mask in a bank, a drugstore, a casino.  Shit people,  this was your chance to step up your criminal activities and get away without being noticed because everyone had their face covered.  Very disappointed in criminals.

Now what we are dealing with is the worst possible outcome of a Pandemic.  When a former epidemic,  gets beat down by a society and then lies dormant feeding, growing, mutating, so our natural anti bodies are of no use, just like the old vaccines.

What we are dealing with here people is fucking serious. Serious as a HEART ATTACK!

Exhibit A-    in the 1980's and early 90's, the USA was first exposed to the near fatal Cyrus Virus when  good Ole Mullet Head Billy Ray set into action the attack on your cardiac system ( and hair style)  with Achy Breaky Heart.  It spent years spreading around the world.but it was finally defeated.

Is it me or does he look like Sharon Osbourne 1/2 way through her wax  job?

Or so we thought.  It was actually laying dormant while it was mutating,  and it came back stronger and even more insane with the new strain "Miley Cyrus Virus".  Unlike the original Cyrus Virus this one attacked you via the Moral system and was able to strip the soul and decency out of billions of young girls.

Not even capable of dressing herself, spawn of Satan,  Horsey Face Cyrus !

As you can see the next gen mutated Cyrus Virus is clearly even more powerful and deadly than the original.

Exhibit B-   This strain is currently on the 2011 Who's Who at the Who.   In it's original form it was called Osmonditis.   The tell tale signs were an overly buck toothy young boy with dimples,  shaggy hair and an affinity for purple.  The first wave was documented in the 1970's it was so spread easily via a Variety Show where siblings sang, and performed and talked about him always wearing purple.  Luckily Osmonditis was wiper from the face of the earth just prior to the first wave of Cyrus virus.   But alas some where deep within the uterus of a Osmonditis group was brewing the demon seed love child who was " mysteriously plucked from obscurity"  ( which is code for, "Hey look I banged this fan and we had this kid, and uhm would you mind making him famous Mr. Usher and we will see about buying you a belt.")   Thus  the deed was done and it was crammed down our collective throats whether we liked it or not.  This debilitating  rash and infection spread like wild fire and caused a Massive World Wide Fever thus qualifying it as a Pandemic by the Who.

( fuck I really love saying, " by the who") 

Don't act like it aint true people.

BEAVER FEVER !  Deadly stuff y'all.  Worse then the Great Pringle fever epidemic of 84.

 I am submitting this avatar for the Who to use at their next concert  conference.

This one is just too easy.

You now have enough information that you can clearly see we have been suffering with epidemics and pandemics for decades now, and every generation the Plague mutates, infects on a more widespread level with symptoms so vile I can't even describe on here.  The new Pandemics are causing permanent long time damage.

A pandemic of the massive magnitude proven to you in this post are indeed horrific, however this will not cause the Apocalypse. Probably. All by itself. Maybe.

XO

PEACH OUT

*In efforts to not make the CDC ( small fries compared to the Who)  (which is the Center for Disease Control).  get all jealous because I used the Who as my source I will dedicate this song to them to the tune of Naughty By Natures O.P.P.

Stain by Stain they kickin the frame under the scope cause they so dope.

You down with  ADD,  Hey CDC

You down with OCD,  Hey CDC

 You down with a cool disease.  Hey CDC

Then you get tracked by the CDC.  Yeah you know me.

YO!

Canaries are Crackheads and Angry Birds is killing things.

PART 4 OF THE MOST FUCKED UP  IMPORTANT SHIT YOU WILL EVER READ MAYBE!

THE FACTS I WILL REVEAL IN THIS SERIES WILL GET ME

COMMITTED,  PICKED UP BY HOMELAND SECURITY

IN THE HISTORY BOOKS 

AT LEAST UNTIL THE EARTH ENDS.

The series is broken down into bite sized dollops of  rancid  kempchi  separate points and post so that it is easier to read without vomiting,  comprehend.  

Today on "As my shit spins out of Control":

We will cover ALL THINGS BIRD RELATED and Snookie the Anti Christ

This one is easy folks if you just put the facts together.  

1- Canaries in Mines-  Early coal mines did not feature ventilation systems, so miners would routinely bring a caged canary into new coal seams. Canaries are especially sensitive to methane ( not crystal meth- they really like that shit) and carbon monoxide, which made them ideal for detecting any dangerous gas build-ups. As long as the canary in a coal mine kept singing, the miners knew their air supply was safe. A dead canary in a coal mine signaled an immediate evacuation. Pretty fucking smart right?


2-The Importance of 1987
A)1 It was announced on 30 December 1986 that the first 200 birds would be 'retired'. Jan 1, 1987 Mines are Canary free.


B)  Pagers were the rage-  and Pager ( speak) was invented.  People began to learn to use numbers and cryptic codes to send messages to each other anywhere at anytime. Thus improving the ability to cheat more effectively and "stay connected". 


C) Cell Phone sales ( aka Huge ASS bricks in a bag with a 52ft antenna) reached 1 million for the first time.


D)  Sadly this orange bag of fleshy shit was born.

Will be referred to as  SFBWSNBN
Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi  HATCHED November 23, 1987

I know right now you are all saying OMFG Peachy WTF would you even put that infested skanky ho on your damn blog?   The answer my friends is scientific sacrifice.  YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS SHIT.

So we all get so drunk and stoned we barely remember the "in between years"  float along for a decade and things seem kind of like a haze except of the recees cups and invention of cool ranch doritos ok. 

3) Exactly 10 years later, 1997, Marshall Applewhite taped himself explaining the Mass Cult Suicide of The Heaven's Gate group.   Seems not so related right?  WRONG- see this excerpt " their torsos covered by a square, purple cloth."  ( The purple is very important in a future post) 

4) Then Exactly 10 years later - Introduction of the twits.

Jack Dorsey, Biz Stone, and Evan Williams in invented the prototype March 2006 it was launched July 15, 2006.  
That's less than 4 Months. To build an empire.
 

5)   According to the World Health Organization and CDC,  H5N1 otherwise known as FUCKING BIRD FLU Avian Flu had the first documented bird to Human crossovers for several countries in the later half of 2006.

6) Then less than 4 years later  the abomination called "Jersey shore"  premiered December 3, 2009  and it was like breaking the final seal of the 7th sign.

7)  As 1 collective unit,  the souls of a million writers, journalist and authors  were ripped out and hand fed to the devil as the news was released  Sept 2010-  "I’m pumped to announce to my fans a project that I’ve been working on for some time,” Snooki  SFBWSNBN  said in a release."   ( which  means here's some of my crude caveman drawings of penis with faces,  someone wrote this for me and it still is more shallow than a chihuahuas puddle of piss) 

8- 1 Month later October 2010  The Launch of the addictive  game ANGRY BIRDS.  This crack app was launched and all the angry writers all over the world who hate  SFBWSNBN  were able to play and tweet about playing.

I hope by now you guys are putting this together.   But in case you're not quite as fucking insane as I am into psychological thrillers  I will go ahead and show you a map.

THEN  LIVING CREATURES STARTED DYING IN MASSIVE GROUPS AROUND THE WORLD

map courtesy of dailymail.co.uk  Jan 2011

This isn't even all of them.  But it's enough.  If you have been reading you have figured out it's not the magnetic stripper poles shifting ( as I explained to you yesterday).  It's NOT the Mayan budget cuts Calendar ( as I explained on Tuesday).


The truth is :


EVERY TIME SOMEONE WHO PLAYS ANGRY BIRDS TWEETS ABOUT  SFBWSNBN ( Stupid Fucking Bitch Who Shall Not Be Named) while wearing purple a flock of birds will fall dead out of the sky in unison.  Just like the weird ass cult with the purple triangles.   Also apparently every time she gets laid it makes fish/crustacians wash up on shore dead.  Fitting isn't it.   Dead crusty shore?  Bawahaha.

Now-  you have seen 3 secrets of the Apocolypse Explained- The Mayan Calendar,  The Earths Magnetic Poles shifting, and  the Mass Death of Flocks of birds ( and sealife).   Each is completely explainable with science.  But be warned the information you are being privy too, is utter bullshit life changing.  I do this because I love you.


Also clearly Canaries are Crack heads.

XO

PEACH OUT

** DISCLAIMER**  I am not a scientist. Saddly most of the facts above are true  and it just proves you link any series of shit together to come up with a conspiracy.  Tons of birds, fish and crab killed themselves so that I could write this post.  I thank them.

**PS**-  Yesterday I was beyond honored to receive the  "Stylish Blogger Award"  from that Sexy as Hell Bad Ass Cobra Sister Reckmonster.  If you're not reading her, well then I will think less of you.   The award has been placed over at "BeingPeachy" on the awards page, which is where I go to convince myself the meds are working and I don't really stink that bad.

Here's what you have to look forward to in this 

FREAKING AWESOME

APOCALYPTIC SERIES

• Major Earth Events ( including but not limited to:  Super Eruptions, Tommy Lee, Angry Birds( covered on Friday),  Magnetic Pole shifts, near earth objects)   ( done Thursday)

• I explain and clarify  The entire Mayan Calendar issue. (* today* over at BeingPeachy) DONE

• Global Pandemics  (  including but not limited to:  Bird Flu ( covered on Friday) ,Swine Flu, Bieber Fever,, Cryus Virus, Zombies)    maybe later this ones way too obvious.

• Global Warming ( including but not limited to: irony as we freeze right now, Carbon emissions of Martian Humvees)  ( it's too clucking fold to make jokes about this crap right now)

• Alien Attack ( including but not limited to: Lady GaGa, Marilyn Manson Pluto, MIB, SETI, Sarah Palin)  My tinfoil hat is on backorder so this one has to wait.

• A.I. ( included but not limited to: Daleks, Wall-E, Johnny 5, I-Robot, Transformers, smart phones) ( This will involve me drawing a lot and it appears that my drawings are like blogger leprosy so I am putting this off until I get my meds refilled.)

• Black Holes & Colliders  ( including but not limited to: OctoMom, Flux Capacitors, Scientist that don't get laid)   {NOT OPTOMOM, the funky funny blogger we all love, she's not a black hole and I don't think she owns a flux capacitor,  this has to do with Nadia Whatsherfuckingface.)

You and your pale skin will doom the Earth.

THE FACTS I WILL REVEAL IN THIS SERIES WILL GET ME

COMMITTED,  PICKED UP BY HOMELAND SECURITY

IN THE HISTORY BOOKS 

AT LEAST UNTIL THE EARTH ENDS.

PART 3 OF THE MOST FUCKED UP  IMPORTANT SHIT YOU WILL EVER READ MAYBE!

As I revealed to you on Monday only me, (click here) Tom Hanks and Mel Gibson know the truth.  I am choosing to share it with you sans the stuffed beaver or best friend soccer ball head. 


I have spent   minutes,  hours, weeks, months,  years  researching the topic I am about to present you with and find that the following series will be the most fictitious conclusive argumentative  Scientific Study I have brought to you in at least a couple days, EVER.   The New York Times would  describes it as "Earth Shattering" and Wall Street Journal would say, " most enlightening series known to mankind."  if they were  tripping on LSD and buried in an under ground bunker with the only escape being writing what I say, they would probably have said that.

Just like a mommy logger giving away a $1.00 off coupon for huggies  first class national news programs.  I have the kind of dedicated dogs staff that will come through when it counts. This "BREAKING NEWS GRAPHIC"  should appear on your screen every 15 minutes as we flood you with utter speculation and misinformation  nothing but the facts. 

The series is broken down into bite sized dollops of  rancid  kempchi  separate points and post so that it is easier to read without vomiting,  comprehend.  

 On Tuesday I dazzled 2 of you with my awesome artistic abilities.  Yes 2.  I may be exaggerating, I might have only dazzled 1/2 a person but 2 people bothered to comment. ( Thanks Mom and Dad, your checks are in the mail, you probably wont want to try and cash them ever for a week or two, also can you guys spot me a " fiffie " till payday? thanks) Which totally makes the 46 hours I spent drawing that crap worth it.  ( you can click here to see what is apparently the equivalent of the digital bird cage lining, some of my best work ever)

Today on "As my shit spins out of Control":

We will cover Magnetic Pole Shifting

Here's the deal -  if you have ever done a science fair project, seen a science fair project,  had a science class after 2nd grade, or seen the movie "Core"  this wont be a surprise, but for those held captive in a buried bus ( that's you NY Times and Wall Street Journal reporters)  Here's a breakdown that even my couch cushion can understand.

The earth is sort of like a ball, but not the neato bouncy kind, but instead it's a boiling freaking magma center ball with tectonic plates and magnetic field. 

In other words we are a giant ass freaking magnet on the refrigerator door the solar system

Ack! So glad my stuff is SS.

Sadly I think Santa is going to have to move all his  stuff..

Earth is such a fickle whore how many poles does she need anyway?

  .  Now you have the general idea.  Do you know what I saw in an online newspaper about this? 

A "FREAKING PAID JOURNALIST" wrote the winner of my " I can't fucking believe you are allowed to feed yourself let alone get paid to write anything more than your name award for January 2011"

So let me break this down for you. In the most non inflammatory debate as possible in this situation.

A RUNWAY WORKS BECAUSE IT'S FLAT YOU DUMBASS.

The magnetic readings can be used by airports, nav aids, on-board systems and pilots to assist with computerized or hard landings HOWEVER.

EVEN IF ALL OF THOSE THINGS WERE BROKEN THE RUNWAY WOULD STILL DO IT'S JOB WHICH IS FREAKING LAY THERE AND BE FLAT!

I hope that sweet old lady wearing the graduation stuff didn't write that, I would feel bad she got robbed in the education car pool.  Nope it's an advertisement, one that would have been more effective if they would have put, " click here to get an opposable thumb thus making you 10 fold smarter than the twit we paid to cut and paste this article and then add 1 line of his own text which was completely idiotic.

Oh yeah,  the magnetic poles are shifting quite rapidly ( like 40 miles per year towards Russia?  I think the Earths magnetic poles want good vodka!)

Please keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle until it comes to a complete stop and the safety bar will raise automatically.  

You should probably start buying MRE's or canned food.  The shift in the magnetic core is a direct result of all the freaking piercings and gaging that those " goth", "emo", whatever all the kids that want to be "individuals so they do the same thing as the others is called". 

 WAY too much metal in 1 hemisphere. 

 Or it's making a liquor run to Russia. Either way, we now know.  

See 1 sentence and now you actually know the truth.  You are welcome.

XO

PEACH OUT

Here's what you have to look forward to in this 

FREAKING AWESOME

APOCALYPTIC SERIES

• Major Earth Events ( including but not limited to:  Super Eruptions, Tommy Lee, Angry Birds, Magnetic Pole shifts, near earth objects)   ( done today)

• I explain and clarify  The entire Mayan Calendar issue. (* today* over at BeingPeachy) DONE

• Global Pandemics  (  including but not limited to:  Bird Flu,Swine Flu, Bieber Fever,, Cryus Virus, Zombies)    maybe later this ones way too obvious.

• Global Warming ( including but not limited to: irony as we freeze right now, Carbon emissions of Martian Humvees)  ( it's too clucking fold to make jokes about this crap right now)

• Alien Attack ( including but not limited to: Lady GaGa, Marilyn Manson Pluto, MIB, SETI, Sarah Palin)  My tinfoil hat is on backorder so this one has to wait.

• A.I. ( included but not limited to: Daleks, Wall-E, Johnny 5, I-Robot, Transformers, smart phones) ( This will involve me drawing a lot and it appears that my drawings are like blogger leprosy so I am putting this off until I get my meds refilled.)

• Black Holes & Colliders  ( including but not limited to: OctoMom, Flux Capacitors, Scientist that don't get laid)   {NOT OPTOMOM, the funky funny blogger we all love, she's not a black hole and I don't think she owns a flux capacitor,  this has to do with Nadia Whatsherfuckingface.)