You down with CDC, yeah you know me - by the WHO

WEEK 2  OF THE MOST FUCKED UP  IMPORTANT SHIT STUDIES YOU WILL EVER READ MAYBE!


THE FACTS I WILL REVEAL IN THIS SERIES WILL GET ME

COMMITTED,  PICKED UP BY HOMELAND SECURITY

IN THE HISTORY BOOKS 

AT LEAST UNTIL THE EARTH ENDS.

As I revealed to you on last week only myself, (click here) Tom Hanks and Mel Gibson know the truth.  I am choosing to share it with you sans the stuffed beaver or best friend soccer ball head. 


I have spent   minutes,  hours, weeks, months,  years  researching the topic I am about to present you with and find that the following series will be the most fictitious conclusive argumentative  Scientific Study I have brought to you in at least a couple days, EVER.   The New York Times would  describes it as "Earth Shattering" and Wall Street Journal would say, " most enlightening series known to mankind."  if they were  tripping on LSD and buried in an under ground bunker with the only escape being writing what I say, they would probably have said that.

Just like a mommy logger giving away a $1.00 off coupon for huggies  first class national news programs.  I have the kind of dedicated dogs staff that will come through when it counts. This "BREAKING NEWS GRAPHIC"  should appear on your screen every 15 minutes as we flood you with utter speculation and misinformation  nothing but the facts. 

Recaps on what you have already learned in this series.

MONDAY 1/31/11-  I break the news that WE R MOTHERFUCKIN TIRED OF THESE MOTHERFUKIN APOCALYPSE STORIES ON THIS MOTHER FUCKING PLANET that through my diligent group of fellow lunatics who look just like my dogs  respectable scientist we have been able to prove the end is indeed NIGH 

TUESDAY 2/1/11- The Great Mayan Calendar is explained via the oldest discovered Dilbert like Cartoon. 

WEDNESDAY 2/2/11- The Earths Magnetic Stripper Poles are headed to Russia for vodka, things that just lay there ( assigned paid journalist) and how Goth kids are at fault. Probably

FRIDAY 2/4/11  -  Canaries are Crackheads and Angry Birds are killing things like themselves and stuff.

After your brain has soaked up the sickness scientific facts in all of those articles 

then you are ready for this next gigantic leap of illogic.

We  are under attack by multiple

 MORE POWERFUL NEXT GEN  PANDEMICS.

First let's go to the WHO ( not the band, but I am sure that's why the World Health Organization picked they name so that can sound cool like, " Yeah I have to go travel with the WHO in Europe next month.  Not to mention getting to say,  " Who said there's a new pandemic?" , "Who said that?"  "YES"  fucking brilliant scientist ROCK!) 

WHO defines a Pandemic as-

A disease epidemic occurs when there are more cases of that disease than normal. ( HA- the Who used the word normal this shit is awesome) A pandemic is a worldwide epidemic of a disease. A pandemic  occurs when a new  virus or mutated strain appears against which the human population has no immunity. WHO has defined the phases of a pandemic to provide a global framework to aid countries in pandemic preparedness and response planning.  The severity of a pandemic can change over the course of that pandemic.

Got it?  Who said that.   ( not "Who said that?"  shit I love this post)

You have no doubt heard of H1N1 ( swine flu)  and H5N1 ( bird or Avian flu for prissy folks)

These 2 pandemics had millions of people "flocking" ( ha)  to the Dr's to get "possible"  vaccinations.   Some countries went totally bat shit and wore surgical masks anytime they left their house so they looked like a not as pale version of Michael Jackson.   My question, why were there not more robberies?  You were allowed to wear a freaking mask in a bank, a drugstore, a casino.  Shit people,  this was your chance to step up your criminal activities and get away without being noticed because everyone had their face covered.  Very disappointed in criminals.

Now what we are dealing with is the worst possible outcome of a Pandemic.  When a former epidemic,  gets beat down by a society and then lies dormant feeding, growing, mutating, so our natural anti bodies are of no use, just like the old vaccines.

What we are dealing with here people is fucking serious. Serious as a HEART ATTACK!

Exhibit A-    in the 1980's and early 90's, the USA was first exposed to the near fatal Cyrus Virus when  good Ole Mullet Head Billy Ray set into action the attack on your cardiac system ( and hair style)  with Achy Breaky Heart.  It spent years spreading around the world.but it was finally defeated.

Is it me or does he look like Sharon Osbourne 1/2 way through her wax  job?

Or so we thought.  It was actually laying dormant while it was mutating,  and it came back stronger and even more insane with the new strain "Miley Cyrus Virus".  Unlike the original Cyrus Virus this one attacked you via the Moral system and was able to strip the soul and decency out of billions of young girls.

Not even capable of dressing herself, spawn of Satan,  Horsey Face Cyrus !

As you can see the next gen mutated Cyrus Virus is clearly even more powerful and deadly than the original.

Exhibit B-   This strain is currently on the 2011 Who's Who at the Who.   In it's original form it was called Osmonditis.   The tell tale signs were an overly buck toothy young boy with dimples,  shaggy hair and an affinity for purple.  The first wave was documented in the 1970's it was so spread easily via a Variety Show where siblings sang, and performed and talked about him always wearing purple.  Luckily Osmonditis was wiper from the face of the earth just prior to the first wave of Cyrus virus.   But alas some where deep within the uterus of a Osmonditis group was brewing the demon seed love child who was " mysteriously plucked from obscurity"  ( which is code for, "Hey look I banged this fan and we had this kid, and uhm would you mind making him famous Mr. Usher and we will see about buying you a belt.")   Thus  the deed was done and it was crammed down our collective throats whether we liked it or not.  This debilitating  rash and infection spread like wild fire and caused a Massive World Wide Fever thus qualifying it as a Pandemic by the Who.

( fuck I really love saying, " by the who") 

Don't act like it aint true people.

BEAVER FEVER !  Deadly stuff y'all.  Worse then the Great Pringle fever epidemic of 84.

 I am submitting this avatar for the Who to use at their next concert  conference.

This one is just too easy.

You now have enough information that you can clearly see we have been suffering with epidemics and pandemics for decades now, and every generation the Plague mutates, infects on a more widespread level with symptoms so vile I can't even describe on here.  The new Pandemics are causing permanent long time damage.

A pandemic of the massive magnitude proven to you in this post are indeed horrific, however this will not cause the Apocalypse. Probably. All by itself. Maybe.

XO

PEACH OUT

*In efforts to not make the CDC ( small fries compared to the Who)  (which is the Center for Disease Control).  get all jealous because I used the Who as my source I will dedicate this song to them to the tune of Naughty By Natures O.P.P.

Stain by Stain they kickin the frame under the scope cause they so dope.

You down with  ADD,  Hey CDC

You down with OCD,  Hey CDC

 You down with a cool disease.  Hey CDC

Then you get tracked by the CDC.  Yeah you know me.

YO!

Goats who stare at women

I have never blown up a goat. ( shut up I haven't)  Recently I finally saw the movie " Men who stare at Goats" and  I wanted to punch my TV  admire the genius behind that piece of shit that only works because of the actors amazing film.  I need to point out that I am indeed a insane woman and horrible mom   Expert in the realm of all things Goaty.

I have painful memories extensive experience when it comes to Goats.
I need you to stop being so damn  jealous, we all can't be goat whisperers.

If you want to know how to become the laughing stalk of your town,  on homeland securities watch list,  drug through a competency hearing by your friends and family  A real Goat Expert.  Simply follow the steps below

Like Cesar Milan but Ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-dder

1-In a gigantic leap of  stupidity faith,  convince yourself  your kids wont get shot or stabbed in elementary school like they would in the city the country is a better place to raise children.  Move your 2 little kids under 5 and decide to buy land whose only other occupant was Big Foot in the woods.

my yard was like this but without the castle in the background

2- Have your kids bug you every waking second about wanting a pet, a dog, a cat, a rabbit, a hamster, a horse, a pony, a pig, a duck, a freaking anything. psychological warfare. They used it.

3- Come up with a fucking insane brilliant plan to buy a pet that will help serve a purpose. Yes no more cutting the waist high wild grass if you buy a pet that will eat it. ( still researching what animal eats dirty laundry)

I iz a GENIUS !!!

4- Buy a baby goat and a red dog harness and a bell and tie it in the yard on Christmas morning put a note under the tree telling the kids the goat is Rudolphs best friend and he has come to live with you and they better take good care of him.  ( because who needs a fence when you dress your goat up like a dog/pet)


5- Kids can not properly identify goat and scream, SKUNK !!!!

This is a Skunk. I did not buy my children a skunk.  I later found out they both needed glasses.

6-The children will run at the tied up non skunk goat full speed. The goat will then attempt to run away from screaming children thus hitting the end of his rope and back flipping into chasing children ending with all of them in a pile of upset in the yard on Christmas morning.

when they hit it looked like this, but with less cars, and more kids and goat

7- A month later you will figure out that your particular goat will eat NOTHING but table scraps and gourmet dog food. He will not eat grass, weeds, or anything and has in turn become yet another mouth to feed.

** BONUS FUN FACT***

 A goats ass is like an auto pez dispenser, Every time they take a step poop pellets pour out.

8- Your goat thinks he is part of the family, and follows you to the mail box, goes on car rides and plays tag with the kids.

9- Being a single lady in the country you totally want the name, " Goat Lady" to be forever attached to you in the small community you have chosen to set up family roots in.

10- Further propelling you into the desirable woman category your goat head buts any guy who pulls into your yard and chases them back to their car.

11- Wake up one morning and find goat in bed with your kids. Throw the goat out of the house clean up his pez poop and scold children while they scream how they didn't do it.

12- Jump in your shower and soap up your hair, feel the curtain touching your legs and get soap in your eyes, be sure it's one of the kids harassing you as usual. wash out eyes and see it is A KID. THE GOAT ! The damn goat has climbed into the shower with you and is standing next to you and licking the water off your leg taking this entire pet thing to a creepy new level.

13- SCREAM

14- Fall on slippery wet floor and bust your ass trying to get away from the goat.

15- Run naked except for the washcloth to the front door and attempt to push the wet goat out of your house.

16- wave back at the neighbors honking and waving as they drive by and see the wet goat and naked wet you in epic battle that could only be viewed as questionable.

17- Find out that your goat has figured out how to open the door by standing on his hind legs and hitting the door latch.

The goat went to live on a farm like all animals do once they have worn out their welcome.


I promise you will never ever be forgotten for this.  Nearly a decade later I was nominated for a small local public office.  I didn't campaign, but did end up getting elected. During my first Board meeting, I heard, "so you're the goat lady?"

yeah, nice.  That's me.

xo
PEACH OUT