the protector of italian virginity....

So when I back that ass up, and drop it like it's hot there is one thing on my mind.  BILF's.

How to appreciate a whisper.........

DID YOU FUCKING HEAR ME?

30 Days of Thankful,  I am Thankful I am not writing that shit, I am also Thankful my husband can't lick his own balls,  this would probably lesson the amount of shit he would put up with from me from tremendous to pretty much zilch.

I really don't overtly enjoy  fucking Matt Damon.  Yes last time I "let" him get to third base while I was doing crossword puzzles he told me that Ben Afflack had a really discolored saggy ball sack and I was like, "uhm Matt, shut your freaking mouth and do your job asshole".

Also I was calling him an asshole not using asshole as a geographic location or destination, even for Matt Damon that shit is like all of the French Quarter Streets in NOLA,  ONE FREAKIN WAY.

It's about this...

Oh yeah,  this award is kick ass, and I got it from the one the only my KBC Cobra Sister, and Bling Zing Creator Extraordinaire,  THE RECKMOSTER !!  When I say this honey got taste I mean she can tell if there is a gram of tofu hidden inside a bucket of wasabi.  The mind ninja stuff with her sometimes make me think she's in my "cloud mind community".  I know she would never commit me unless there was a scooter in it for me.  If you don't know her, and if you don't have a piece of her jewelry in your protection arsenal well, I don't know if I can even lie enough to imply I will respect you in the morning.

Ok so in a totally non gender specific listing I give you my BILF's in no specific order because that's what they say on all the reality shows.


1- Absence of Alternatives-  uh duh, awesome, what's not to freaking love, hottie photo with wigs and shit,  and IQ of Mensa and body that makes Coyote Ugly weep with envy.  you should read or be beaten in the brain area.


2- That Darling Lil Nikki from MY CYBER HOUSE RULES ! She's my sweets with the French accent.  Cute cat masks and all.  Then she became a derby queen and disappeared and blames me but it's ok because I still love her not everyone can live on a sail boat and rock it...

3-  I love a GREAT GHOST STORY,  I mean honestly,  this chick is all over twitter, facebook, and bloggyland, yet she passes within 6 miles of my house nearly every month, has lunch in the same city some days, and we were even in the same hotel for 3 days in April YET I HAVE NEVER PSYCHICALLY SEEN HER.  What does this mean?  This means, this is where you get your paranormal grove on yall.  She's a down home cajun gulf coast girl, who knows her fais do do and can throw back a beignet while slamming down a hurricane, it's the possibly intoxicated Kim from Livefromthe205


4- My possible future Daughter in Law,  Meredith from Oh That Mer!  Wait she' can't be a BILF AND  a DIL.  oh lawdy,  wait, I live in the deep south I think by law I am required to actually make a family member present on this list, with that in mind, Mer, your on the list.

5- Everyone on here is artsy, craftsty, creative, athletic, so how could I leave out THE NEXT MARTHA, from THE MARTHA PROJECT,  I can't believe Martha Stewart hasn't attempted to shank this babe with her bedazzeled shiv hand carved by Tibetan monks from the femur of an Egyptian Llama,  but even if she tried she would fail, because MY Martha, the next Martha would heave a freaking empty liquor bottle at her and knock her ass out.  YO!


This was hard, I want you to know everyone on The Reckmonsters lists were also on mine because she stole them from my brain ahead of me so I couldn't pick them too, that is all, other than the fact that the guy playing the new Conan is currently making me Pumpkin cheesecake and he's using a whisk while he is naked.  Nice visual right?  yeah YOU. ARE. WELCOME.


XO


PEACH OUT

I thought of you...

You need to realize I have this INSANE freaking phobia about public restrooms. 

 Which is just ONE of the 3 million and three reasons I should not have been allowed to have children.  Those little screaming heckling crotch fruits ( Holly's word)  will have to go in EVERY SINGLE ONE you ever pass or come within 25 miles of and the dirtier the better.

So Friday  I had to do fasting blood work for Dr Kavorkian.  When I finally finished I ordered a double protein strawberry mango banana smoothie which is apparently smoothie talk for laxative.  ( TMI? shut up there's a reason).

I have to of course face my fears and go into a public restroom on the military base who apparently can march in order and shoot a  non existent WMD from 500 miles but CAN NOT hit a toilet.

So after I did the Lysol, germ ex, bleach, rubber gloves haz-mat suit pre-qualification requirements for me to go in there ( all of which I took from their store shelves)  I hovered like a military chanook and then I noticed it.

Pants around my knees wearing yellow rubber dish gloves,  breathing in a paper bag,  and trying to go to my mental happy place,  I thought of you. ( touched right?) 

I saw the item below, neatly, cleanly, and more important, sterile, hanging on the wall.

In one gianormous swoop of genius it all became clear ! 

If they had these in stores and malls and restaurants people could strap in their precious snowflake ( DNA muddle puddle spuddle, )  in a sound proof booth and go on about their business without subjecting me to their freaking loud brats adorable children, or their eddie bower Humvee strollers, or more importantly their nearly always infectious bundles of joy that are drooling, coughing, sneezing and shitting with every breath.

It looks like a hard plastic and therefore hose-able jump seat.  which leads me to believe they could be welded to the OUTSIDE of all commercial flights?

and somehow this all made me think of you,  you're welcome.

xo

PEACH OUT

* I dedicate this post to the person who hates blogs that aren't funny, post about poop, and posts about children, she totally knows who she is. That's all I got to say about that.