Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Smacktastic Spam

I get more spam than those cruise ship passengers on the Carnival Spamder.  I usually just hit the delete and I am lucky enough to be sleeping with the system administrator god of all geek for my ISP. ( its my husband and by sleep with I mean actually sleep with not anything more than that because really I am far too lazy for smexy time)

This weekend I was feeling a tad froggy because I spent a week attempting to kill my liver with nyquil liquid caps washed back with hot toddies.  ( click here for that story)

When I popped over to my blog email and found I had an amazing 123 emails waiting.
30% is random bullshit smack talk interaction with my blog buddies.
20% is actually people emailing for non advice, or a personal comment on my blogs they were too nervous to share
less than 1% is insane business  proposals that are legitimate although quite insane because I don't want my blog turned into a diaper and tampon pimping place.
greater than 49% is spam.
( I totally couldn't use the < and >  because I could NOT remember which meant what so damn it I am like Barbie this morning "math is hard"

anyway here's one that happened over the weekend when I was doped up on nyquil and sick of being sick.


Dear Sir,
My name is Diipak Gupta, and I am the CEO of iSilkRoute Software Technologies. I was just browsing your blog and was wondering if you had considered outsourcing blog management. Blogs need more maintenance than most would fathom and this is why you should consider outsourcing your Blog management to a professional.
It is very much possible to manage your blogs yourselves. But it become very much time consuming. Whether you blog individually or for a company, there is only one goal of a blog – To be more visitors. If you are not a social networking specialist you should understand that your lack of knowledge could very well harm your blog. Getting visitors can be easy in case you can handle SEO (to get search engine traffic) and internet marketing (social media tools). Also you need to update your website quite often. Blogs demand constant upgrading not only weekly but on a daily basis. Updating your blogs can aid with the expansion of your website as well as internet users being able to find your website more easily through search rankings within the major search engines. This can be very stressful to maintain on your own.
A virtual assistant can aid with increasing the time spent with your family while giving you peace of mind that things are getting done in the office. By outsourcing your social media marketing, you do not have to invest in time and money for learning the tools and technologies involved in marketing your business in social media. Outsourcing social media to a knowledgeable company means that they will handle the ins and outs of the different social networks in terms of selecting the ones that will be best for you, finding the right contacts, spreading your message, and monitoring your brand using the various tools that are available.
You just need to provide creative inputs and may invest time in directing the efforts of virtual assistant. Since most of the social media activities that you outsource will be public knowledge, it will be easy for you to observe what we are doing and see how it benefits your company. Also, this does not cost much, you can hire a virtual assistant at $5 per hour. No upfront investment is required and you can test the system out before actually incorporating it into your long term strategy.
What kinds of blogs can be outsourced?
Here are a few examples of "outsourceable" blogs:
•    Blogs that aggregate daily/weekly news
•    Blogs that review gadgets, books, movies
•    Blogs that complement a website
•    Blogs that analyze trends
•    Niche blogs such as health content, tech advice, parenting tips etc
We, at iSilkRoute Software Technologies, propose to explore the opportunity with you as a technology partner by providing you eLearning platform. We intend to meet your current and future requirements. If you are already associated with us, request you to please ignore this mail.
We are looking forward to establish long term association with you. Please feel free to contact us on numbers below.
Yours Sincerely

Dear Non Gender Specific Team;

          Thank you for your email.   I have to say I am very impressed.   First you identify me as a "sir" even though all my websites and writing and photos clearly show that I am a female and you said you checked me out.  Is it because I had my mustache waxed prior to my photo shoots that's confusing you?  If I had more hair on my face would you think I was indeed woman?  It's probably the lipstick and eye liner that's making you think I am a "Sir".    My fault.  But I have total proof I am of the female persuasion  however in order for me to prove it I will need at least 2 of the credit cards you have on file along with the DOB and social security numbers of the people named on those cards.  I must be able to verify you are indeed actual people and over the legal age of 21 prior to sending any visual proof.  Sorry we have these crazy ass laws in the United States that make it that way so send that in.   
          After that I will probably go ahead and hire you even though you want to be hired to be an editor of my blogs and you actually have worse technical writing than I do.  That is indeed shocking.  Not to mention you can't throw around southern colloquialisms  and chances are we will disagree politically and all that jazz. I am totally willing to over look all this because today is my day and in turn it's your day.
        In an unimaginable stroke of luck I was just contacted by a very very rich widow in your country and she needs MY help.  She is willing to compensate me with boatloads of cash once I send her my banking information and I will be rolling in the dough and will want to hire someone like you.
       I have a counter proposal.  I would like to just cut out the middle man.  Me.  You go ahead and help this rich widow chick by sending her your banking info.  Then consider yourself paid by me and go ahead and work for me forever.  Obviously you will be over paid because you can't possibly charge that much to manage and edit 5 blogs  in poor English I do it for next to nothing.  The overpayment I am offering comes with strings attached.  Here are the additional services I require.
      I need a maid, in fact give me two.  I also need a chaffer, a butler, a chef, a pasty chef, a bartender.  A genius and manly manny for my kid would be nice also.  Then I need a masseur,  a personal assistant, a secretary and receptionist.  A couple landscapers and a pool boy will also be needed.  I think the would balance out the ratio of men and women under our employee not just pleasing me but also my husband.  They need to all be highly intelligent, and extremely good looking, that's probably more important.   As much as they are going to be paid by me giving you that widows money I would like my own set of Doctors too.  It will be so nice to have them on staff instead of having to go and see them because all my Doctors here already have names like yours so I am sure you will have no problems finding a team of specialists to work for me.  This still leaves me with a massive over payment according to the widows email so here's what I am thinking.   I really like that Ballywood Dance stuff.  So if you could send me a team of Dancers that have one or two routines for me to watch a week that would be awesome.  After all this just keep the rest for a tip.  Wait, I have a crappy minivan so go ahead and buy me a couple awesome vehicles like a Rolls Royce and Jaguar, have your people fly over with them and handle all that customs crap.  Don't argue you work for me now. Please warn my staff I will be changing all of their names to things like  "Jeeves"  and "  Consulia "  because I can.  No one really believes you guys names are John and Peggy anyway so lets go a little  more " staffy" here .
    If I find out I need more help I will let you know, but for now this sounds like a pretty good deal for you, I am super nice like that.  So just go ahead and send me the needed info and I will start this ball rolling.


I am shocked they haven't gotten back with me, they are probably working out the financial stuff and interviewing my new staff.  It could take a while.



Anonymous said...

Dont you love these kind of letters? Last one I got that said "Dear Sir" I wrote back with the "Sir? Bitch you better feel again!"
Never heard from them again.

ThePeachy1 said...

I am sure they are busy getting those credit cards together to send me so we can move forward with this business deal

Miley said...

I love you extra today. LOTS of extra.

Crayotic Ramblings said...

I want my blog to Be more Visitors... *tear*

Grooprak Grabim must love you more.

ThePeachy1 said...

@ rabbit- yeah I was thinking no one would even noticed if I used them because they seriously can not write or edit any better than I can.
To be more visitors.

If you are not a social networking specialist you should understand that your lack of knowledge could very well harm your blog. ( bitches are calling me all un special and shit?)

Getting visitors can be easy in case you can handle SEO (to get search engine traffic) and internet marketing (social media tools). Also you need to update your website quite often.
( you mean like 4 or 5 times a week like I already do? OMG what a fantastic idea)

This can be very stressful to maintain on your own.
( No, stressful is dealing with Dr's who can't heal you and google your shit right in front of you and have names like dicktatrubli paaaaakateeeen so you can't pronounce it. That is stressful, my blog is not. )

Vinny C said...

"It is very much possible to manage your blogs yourselves. But it become very much time consuming." - Uhhh... If I wanted someone else to manage my blog, I probably wouldn't have one in the first place. If they want they can do my day job - I'll still collect the salary, of course, but since they want something to do...

ThePeachy1 said...

Go Vinny ! Also I feel somewhat insulted now I re-read it. So I am a) a man, b) incompetent c) have no clue about work d) have no knowledge of the internet or social media d) yet somehow popped up on their radar?

Also my husband just read it and told me I am probably going to get reported to homeland security or the FBI. I was like SAWEET ! Didn't want to tell him I am probably already on their lists since he doesn't read my blogs.

leslie (crookedstamper) said...

Oh, this is PERFECT! P E R F E C T! I can't believe *I* didn't think of it.

And, um, you need a chaffer? Something rub you the wrong way lately?

ThePeachy1 said...

@ leslie, I know right the chaffer an the pasty chef, total typos but I am sure they now what I meant, since I be more visitor.