Beep........................

I can't come to the internet right now because I am

a) dating the chick that felt me up at TSA

b) being probed by aliens

c) smuggling a water buffalo internationally

d) capturing the aurora boriealis in a jar

e) can't find the proper code to my time machine

g) getting fitted for my oscars gear because you guys don't know that I am actually nominated

h) doing Lindsey Lohans nails for her next court appearance.

i)  in the witness protection program because I am the one that cut Justank Beavers hair and now all the little girls want to kill me

j)  trying to help my Dr's and Surgeons put their kids through college and buy a yacht named after me

k)  in private meetings with Stan Lee in regards to my new super powers and working on my "comic book"

l) had all my electronics taken by homeland security since my 9 yr old emailed the president and Governor saying, I may just be a kid but this is American so you work for me,  do you wear a seatbelt?"

m) Brendan Fraser showed up and duct taped my husband in the hall closet so we could have alone time and I figured since he went to all that trouble it would be rude of me to blog in between make out sessions.

n)  got a ticket to Hollywood on American Idol and now I have to sing for big lips, big ass, and big dog.

o) actually re anacting every scene from the "Bourne Identity"  which involves a lot of  freaking false document  creation

p)  decided to start building a pool for spring, by digging with a spoon.

q) tried to duct tape my boobs up where they belong for a Mardi Gras ball and got my hand stuck to my boobs and can't get loose, but my boobs look awesome.

r) working out custody arrangements for my youngest kid with Bill Nye the science guy.

s) had to go back to stripping due to the economy and have been busy trying to find sparkley orthopedic stripper heels

t) caught a unicorn in my acme unicorn trap and he keeps zapping me with rainbow power from his horn every time I go near him

u)  am doing time in the big house because I ran naked onto a PGA Golf course and my boob hit a couple players now we are all doing the tour.

v) helping Brett Farves wife make sure he ends up completely broke and homeless with an IHOP waitress

w) on a super secret mission to resolve world peace in the middle east

x) trying to use Lady GaGa in my sons egg breaking science experiment

y) letting Charlie Sheen detox in my house which is hard since I have a lot of vodka.

z) feeling so inadequate after all of these awesome guest posters that I am rocking back and forth and questioning my abilities and worth.

So go read this guest post by a couple of my friends who clearly rock hard.

http://www.beingpeachy.com/2011/02/24/the-animated-woman-and-why-is-daddy-crying-are-being-peachy/

XO

PEACH OUT

My daughter fills in- Sam I am by Dr. Abuse

Meet my Daughter Sam who totally wrote todays post since she is  FREAKING AWESOME !

Sam I am,

I am Sam,

I hate your fucking Green Eggs and Spam,

Give me biscuits and Strawberry Jam,

a Honey Glazed Ham,

an Oil Slicked Man

One or Two?

I'll have 3

I love excess, excessively,

and revelry 

and sodomy,

OH SHIT NOT THAT!

WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?

crap I don't know my brain must be shrinking

that or sinking,

I think it's a side effect of genetic linking,

that and probably too much drinking.

What? Go away! You want another?

If you're looking for spankings please talk to my mother.

XO
SAM I AM AKA DR ABUSE



this post brought to you from the scary yet brilliant mind of Sam I am.  AKA my 21 year old daughter in College with a major in psychology.  If you want to read my more about my daughter Sam I am she's spattered all over my other blog. www.BeingPeachy.com  including her infamous FLAME about dirty ATM's and Safe words. 

You can't buy friends like this. Unless you have paypal.

People. I adore you. I also adore the fact that yesterdays post garnered me a plethora of  tweets, dm's, facebook emails, gmails and regular emails. It was by far the undisputed most "private" reaction post EVER on any of my blogs.   The deal is, I had a week long series of MORE scientific studies planned for you all this week.  It was, dare I say it, beyond genius absolutely awesome.  So last night moments before I chug down a handful of ambien with vodka  at a final review with my staff, dalmatian, a used paper towel, I  made  the decision to shelf it for now due to current social climate and recent events.

I hyperventilated a little and then I ate a banana.  Then that stuff flew from my fingertips like the debil in that song, "The debil went down to Georgia".  I totally blame the banana for this mayhem.

photo credit to Slaraffenland on Flickr.com

( I need you to know that I wrote this post with no images, then simply went to google and typed in "devil banana" and this popped up.  FRUE TRUCKING STORY ! I SWEAR TO BOB !)

My dear friend Holly at MidWesternMamah gave me the down low of what happened and it was very 80's rocket concert days of me, included me not knowing anything about the post because I woke up today hog tied in the back of a Chevy van with a new tattoo of Mighty Mouse flying out of my ass crack.   Do you people realize what a valuable asset a friend like that is?   I do. Anyone who can think up a cover that fast  remember what happened so accurately is priceless.

So I ran to my bathroom dropped trow and contorted myself like a pretzel to see if any of it was true.  There staring back from the very clean big mirror, was my very sexy, firm,  hot  big freckled ass,  and then THIS...

Saving the day are we #eve? 

and in the immortal words of the best news guy that ever lived.  Now you know the rest of the story. ( sort of)

xo

PEACH OUT

** yesterday I got an award from Oil Field Trash at Make Daddy a Sammich  to which I thank him and UPS him a poboy. I put it on the award section of my other blog you can see it over there by clicking here.

also this guy is only wearing children's party favors for clothes

and now I sing, "brass monkey, that funky monkey, brass monkey junkie that funky monkey."

I am so GLAD you showed up !

Yesterday I had another run in with a D2D.  For those of you not aware that's a Door 2 Door Salesman. 

 I used to  try to be patient, and kind, because I  live so far out in the country that if you are doing this on foot, who ever dropped you off hates your guts and wants you to get eaten by dogs or die of exposure.

But over the last 5 years a new bread of D2D has developed.  The buy this meat from my truck guy.  Yes  A guy drives up to my front door in a Truck and tries to convince me to spend a couple hundred bucks on frozen meat. 

I will wait a second and let that sink in, door to door meat salesmen.  Yeah not at all hot, not at all cool, they are always driving super expensive personal trucks and speak like snake oil salesmen.  So here's my question,  " how fucking desperate do you have to be to be a door to door meat salesman in the rural deep south?"

Wouldn't it be safer to clean tiger shit at the zoo while wearing a a porterhouse suit?

Or try to sell doughnuts at a Weight Watchers Meeting?

Seriously these people must be freaking nuts.   You need to know this, when I am presented with someone who is clearly nuckin futs I will raise the bar.

 They never win.  I have actually developed an entire new response just for them.

This will provide you with much laughter, and keep you off any D2D  list that may be floating around.

You need the following simple 4 household items:

Is it fitting together for you yet?   Take the red paint, get some on the apron, and some on the gloves and some on the knife you never intend to use again.

Store in a hall closet near the front door.

When the doorbell rings, slip on this "D2D readiness gear" over whatever you are wearing.

Fling open the door and use my fail proof line.

' PERFECT TIMING.  SO GLAD YOU SHOWED UP,  THE PESKY NEIGHBOR WE'VE BEEN EATING HAS RUN OUT, AND I AM DYING TO TRY THAT NEW DEEP FREEZE, ARE YOU ALONE?"

Only once did a person not walk backwards or run,  and that person was literally frozen in fear and still trying "outsell" me on his meat.   I kept saying, how did you find me? Did anyone see you pull in?  Are you being followed?  Won't you come in?  Please don't mind the mess I was making room in the freezer."

Once he got the hints, he took off or his truck as fast as his portly little ham hocks would carry him.


So I give this gift to you.  The gift of finally knowing how to run off the D2D people.  We all know the sign is nothing more than a challenge to them. 


Go forth and have fun, remember they came to your door.


xo
PEACH OUT

Goats who stare at women

I have never blown up a goat. ( shut up I haven't)  Recently I finally saw the movie " Men who stare at Goats" and  I wanted to punch my TV  admire the genius behind that piece of shit that only works because of the actors amazing film.  I need to point out that I am indeed a insane woman and horrible mom   Expert in the realm of all things Goaty.

I have painful memories extensive experience when it comes to Goats.
I need you to stop being so damn  jealous, we all can't be goat whisperers.

If you want to know how to become the laughing stalk of your town,  on homeland securities watch list,  drug through a competency hearing by your friends and family  A real Goat Expert.  Simply follow the steps below

Like Cesar Milan but Ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-dder

1-In a gigantic leap of  stupidity faith,  convince yourself  your kids wont get shot or stabbed in elementary school like they would in the city the country is a better place to raise children.  Move your 2 little kids under 5 and decide to buy land whose only other occupant was Big Foot in the woods.

my yard was like this but without the castle in the background

2- Have your kids bug you every waking second about wanting a pet, a dog, a cat, a rabbit, a hamster, a horse, a pony, a pig, a duck, a freaking anything. psychological warfare. They used it.

3- Come up with a fucking insane brilliant plan to buy a pet that will help serve a purpose. Yes no more cutting the waist high wild grass if you buy a pet that will eat it. ( still researching what animal eats dirty laundry)

I iz a GENIUS !!!

4- Buy a baby goat and a red dog harness and a bell and tie it in the yard on Christmas morning put a note under the tree telling the kids the goat is Rudolphs best friend and he has come to live with you and they better take good care of him.  ( because who needs a fence when you dress your goat up like a dog/pet)


5- Kids can not properly identify goat and scream, SKUNK !!!!

This is a Skunk. I did not buy my children a skunk.  I later found out they both needed glasses.

6-The children will run at the tied up non skunk goat full speed. The goat will then attempt to run away from screaming children thus hitting the end of his rope and back flipping into chasing children ending with all of them in a pile of upset in the yard on Christmas morning.

when they hit it looked like this, but with less cars, and more kids and goat

7- A month later you will figure out that your particular goat will eat NOTHING but table scraps and gourmet dog food. He will not eat grass, weeds, or anything and has in turn become yet another mouth to feed.

** BONUS FUN FACT***

 A goats ass is like an auto pez dispenser, Every time they take a step poop pellets pour out.

8- Your goat thinks he is part of the family, and follows you to the mail box, goes on car rides and plays tag with the kids.

9- Being a single lady in the country you totally want the name, " Goat Lady" to be forever attached to you in the small community you have chosen to set up family roots in.

10- Further propelling you into the desirable woman category your goat head buts any guy who pulls into your yard and chases them back to their car.

11- Wake up one morning and find goat in bed with your kids. Throw the goat out of the house clean up his pez poop and scold children while they scream how they didn't do it.

12- Jump in your shower and soap up your hair, feel the curtain touching your legs and get soap in your eyes, be sure it's one of the kids harassing you as usual. wash out eyes and see it is A KID. THE GOAT ! The damn goat has climbed into the shower with you and is standing next to you and licking the water off your leg taking this entire pet thing to a creepy new level.

13- SCREAM

14- Fall on slippery wet floor and bust your ass trying to get away from the goat.

15- Run naked except for the washcloth to the front door and attempt to push the wet goat out of your house.

16- wave back at the neighbors honking and waving as they drive by and see the wet goat and naked wet you in epic battle that could only be viewed as questionable.

17- Find out that your goat has figured out how to open the door by standing on his hind legs and hitting the door latch.

The goat went to live on a farm like all animals do once they have worn out their welcome.


I promise you will never ever be forgotten for this.  Nearly a decade later I was nominated for a small local public office.  I didn't campaign, but did end up getting elected. During my first Board meeting, I heard, "so you're the goat lady?"

yeah, nice.  That's me.

xo
PEACH OUT