Sunday, February 27, 2011


I have been a bit "AWOL" and rumors flew around the internet like panties at a VanHalen Concert. I had seriously awesome guest posters cover both blogs and now owe them most of my internal organs not ravaged by alcohol/stupidity or both ( note- I do not poses enough organs that meet the criteria so repayment will be based upon the amount of door to door salesmen that stumble by my house).

We all know I avoid rarely go into public, because it's against my religion  lawyers advice.   Unfortunately in the last 15 days I have HAD to go into public a lot, like nearly every day. For things I didn't want anyway, so I was already all grouchy and stuff.

I noticed about day 3 that one of my tires was going low,  I kept airing it up and  trudging on. Around Day six, I decided I better get a new tire or I would end up in a ditch in deliverance country and have to chew my own leg off to survive and be haunted by banjo music.

Mistake 1-  getting dressed and leaving the house to get tire fixed.  It just pretty much went downhill from there.

I go to the tire shop and they give me an estimate.  I remind them I would like the cheapest possible tire since they had a sign that said " we do not accept lap dances as payment". 

I left for a couple hours and walked back.  I handed them my credit card they swiped, I signed, walked out.

Walking to the car I look down at the little bitty crappy out of ink credit card recipet and my brain nearly shut down.  $375?  WTF?   They said around  $75.   So I round my P.O.S. looking to see if I have all new tires, nope, in fact they didn't even put the hub cap thing back on the tire they replaced.

Steaming pissed and in total disbelief I climb into my crappy van with empty mc griddle wrappers and jam my freakin key in the ignition contimplating  what the bail would be if I went back in there with a tire iron and had my bill adjusted.
I slam the POS into R.

My freaking GPS is GONE.   

Yes the one I lovingly call Dick Dick, and  he returns by constantly telling me to "turn around" , "turn around", " turn around".  The little electronic male co-Pilot that proudly proclaims, " you are at your destination"  when I am in the middle of a field or on the top of a bridge.
Like a freaking steaming ranting Loony Toon  I don't even know if I put the damn car back in park, but I bailed and and headed in the Tire Place like Bull with a bee in my bonnet.
me pissed off and loosing it
Being the shrinking violet I am. I butted my way to the front of the line saying things like, "sorry, they owe me a kiss"  or  "excuse me but I have to get my panties back."

The guy at the counter see's me and my apparently has been in a relationship with an insane red head because as I neared the counter he took a deep breath and stepped back.

him- Can I help you?
me- Yeah you can kiss me since you fucked me.
him- uh
me- oh yeah can I see your stapler?
him- uhm yes mama
me- now whose the SOB with the new GPS?
him- uhm mama? I uhm,  let me get you a manager.
me- Yeah tell him to bring me my panties, k bitch?
Mangager-  Mama is there a problem?
me- Dude I am about to go all fuckin wild eyed ass kicking up here, first you ass fuck me by charging me $375 for "A" TIRE?  the blue book on that piece of shit isn't $375!!!  Then as a wipe your dick on the curtains bonus one of your dudes steals my GPS.
Manager- why don't we go in the office.
me- why don't you just fuck me some more right here in front of all your customers pussy boy.
Manager- I am going to need you to calm down can I see your receipt?
me- I'm gonna need to shove this fucking stapler up some bodies ass, you have 5 seconds to pick the victim.

I ball up my reciept and throw it at him,  take a step out the door and call my husband to prep him to get bail money.

He answers his WORK phone and I begin to scream in the phone the insane situation and that I am indeed going to go to jail but I am taking out a couple of these bitches on the way.  They fucking charged us $375 for a tire and stole my DICK DICK!!!!!
He waits for me to finish my cussing ass fucking with a stapler need bail money tyraid. I finally take a breath and I hear multiple male snickers.  Shit I'm on the fucking speaker? 

Calmly says, " honey I am in a meeting but you do realize that you loaned your GPS to your friend in December when he was moving to Utah right?"


I walk back in the entire customer base is cowering like I am some masked bank robber and a couple of them are on board.  When the manager points out that I was only charged $75 but due to their being low on ink ( not my poor eyesight) I had confused  the $ with a 3.

I had nothing. Nothing but my quick thinking and tricks from blog land.  So stealing a page from the queen of all excuses, PAM the BBF of Holly.  I grabbed my forehead and loudly, "OMG my blood sugar, it's my blood sugar somebody get me a mint !"  and collapsed into a chair.

I was offered a mint and a coke. I took 2 sips and said, " OMG I feel so much better wow.  What happened?  Holy cow, is my car ready? oh it is? thank you so much you have done a wonderful job."

Then I  Tyra Banks style stomped throwing hips around like I was on the run way from the building to my waiting chariot of shame and sped off.  Like a freaking Diva.
Yeah it's probably a really really good idea not to let me out in public much.



*Disclaimer*- no one actually got assfucked with a stapler. However I did make them chocolated dipped fruit, home made cookies, homemade bannana bread and delivered them with a letter of apology, which I signed with a fake name.


Miley said...

Also, I wish I had been there.
Additionally, your oscar winning performance beats my "omg a tooth just flew the fuck outta peachy's mouth within 30 minutes of me meeting her" performance.
Always gotta show up a sista, huh? Well, I'll let you win. This time.

I'll also bring an Oscar in the shape of a vodka bottle this summer. Not to worry, I'll do all the talking with the persons we encounter in public.

The Empress said...

LOVE this post!!! Thank you so much for making me laugh. Not at you but with you.

Opto-Mom said...

Don't take this the wrong way, because I'm not laughing WITH you. I'm laughing the fuck AT you, because that shit was funny!

If you ever decide to ass-fuck someone with a stapler or any other office supplies (toner cartridge, anyone?), please let me come so I can play the banjo as background music!

Oilfield Trash said...

Holy Hounds of Hell you are just like me when it comes to dealing with fucktards.

I loved this post.

Especially the part about needing bail money because that right there is some shit that I would have said.

Ante Babaja said...

good luck with that

squatlo said...

My lovely (and dangerous) wife and I haven't laughed this hard in a LONG time, PeachyOne... seriously funny shit, from start to finish. I'm sending this along to friends and family, so be prepared for an uptick in lunatic traffic.

Borrowing THEIR stapler to use as a suppository was a stroke of brilliance I'll try to remember the next time I'm haggling with a service rep at a car repair place!

Jeez, this was great!!!!!!!!

The Reckmonster said...

Sheeeeeeeeee's baaaaaaaaack!!!

And not a moment too soon! This was fucking grade A CLASSIC golden Peachy material! I would have paid good money to just be standing by watching the whole tirade (or even be in Droid's office listening on the speaker phone!). And let me just assuage any kind of "shame" or "guilt" you may have experienced because 'tis not necessary, dear Peach. You see, what you did was a "test" and was "merely a test" (you know like the emergency broadcast system or like the fire drills they do at school) - if it HAD been an actual "incident" - then someone really WOULD have been ass-fucked with their own stapler.

Mooner Johnson said...

Peach. Can I hire you to do customer service for me? Since my smallest product is a truckload of compost, maybe you can tell my unhappy you'll ass-fuck them with their own cellphone.

I am so glad you are back, and with a vengeance.

Unknown said...

OMG. Omgomgomg. I so loved this, and this is exactly the kind of shit I would pull, except without being so smooth at the end.

sillyolme said...

this is pure brilliance!!