Friday, February 4, 2011

Canaries are Crackheads and Angry Birds is killing things.



The series is broken down into bite sized dollops of  rancid  kempchi  separate points and post so that it is easier to read without vomiting,  comprehend.  

Today on "As my shit spins out of Control":
We will cover ALL THINGS BIRD RELATED and Snookie the Anti Christ

This one is easy folks if you just put the facts together.  

1- Canaries in Mines-  Early coal mines did not feature ventilation systems, so miners would routinely bring a caged canary into new coal seams. Canaries are especially sensitive to methane ( not crystal meth- they really like that shitand carbon monoxide, which made them ideal for detecting any dangerous gas build-ups. As long as the canary in a coal mine kept singing, the miners knew their air supply was safe. A dead canary in a coal mine signaled an immediate evacuation. Pretty fucking smart right?

2-The Importance of 1987
A)1 It was announced on 30 December 1986 that the first 200 birds would be 'retired'. Jan 1, 1987 Mines are Canary free.

B)  Pagers were the rage-  and Pager ( speak) was invented.  People began to learn to use numbers and cryptic codes to send messages to each other anywhere at anytime. Thus improving the ability to cheat more effectively and "stay connected". 

C) Cell Phone sales ( aka Huge ASS bricks in a bag with a 52ft antenna) reached 1 million for the first time.

D)  Sadly this orange bag of fleshy shit was born.
Will be referred to as  SFBWSNBN
Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi  HATCHED November 23, 1987

I know right now you are all saying OMFG Peachy WTF would you even put that infested skanky ho on your damn blog?   The answer my friends is scientific sacrifice.  YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS SHIT.

So we all get so drunk and stoned we barely remember the "in between years"  float along for a decade and things seem kind of like a haze except of the recees cups and invention of cool ranch doritos ok. 

3) Exactly 10 years later, 1997, Marshall Applewhite taped himself explaining the Mass Cult Suicide of The Heaven's Gate group.   Seems not so related right?  WRONG- see this excerpt " their torsos covered by a square, purple cloth."  ( The purple is very important in a future post) 

4) Then Exactly 10 years later - Introduction of the twits.
Jack Dorsey, Biz Stone, and Evan Williams in invented the prototype March 2006 it was launched July 15, 2006.  
That's less than 4 Months. To build an empire.
5)   According to the World Health Organization and CDC,  H5N1 otherwise known as FUCKING BIRD FLU Avian Flu had the first documented bird to Human crossovers for several countries in the later half of 2006.

6) Then less than 4 years later  the abomination called "Jersey shore"  premiered December 3, 2009  and it was like breaking the final seal of the 7th sign.

7)  As 1 collective unit,  the souls of a million writers, journalist and authors  were ripped out and hand fed to the devil as the news was released  Sept 2010-  "I’m pumped to announce to my fans a project that I’ve been working on for some time,” Snooki  SFBWSNBN  said in a release."   ( which  means here's some of my crude caveman drawings of penis with faces,  someone wrote this for me and it still is more shallow than a chihuahuas puddle of piss) 

8- 1 Month later October 2010  The Launch of the addictive  game ANGRY BIRDS.  This crack app was launched and all the angry writers all over the world who hate  SFBWSNBN  were able to play and tweet about playing.

I hope by now you guys are putting this together.   But in case you're not quite as fucking insane as I am into psychological thrillers  I will go ahead and show you a map.

map courtesy of  Jan 2011

This isn't even all of them.  But it's enough.  If you have been reading you have figured out it's not the magnetic stripper poles shifting ( as I explained to you yesterday).  It's NOT the Mayan budget cuts Calendar ( as I explained on Tuesday).

The truth is :

EVERY TIME SOMEONE WHO PLAYS ANGRY BIRDS TWEETS ABOUT  SFBWSNBN ( Stupid Fucking Bitch Who Shall Not Be Named) while wearing purple a flock of birds will fall dead out of the sky in unison.  Just like the weird ass cult with the purple triangles.   Also apparently every time she gets laid it makes fish/crustacians wash up on shore dead.  Fitting isn't it.   Dead crusty shore?  Bawahaha.

Now-  you have seen 3 secrets of the Apocolypse Explained- The Mayan Calendar,  The Earths Magnetic Poles shifting, and  the Mass Death of Flocks of birds ( and sealife).   Each is completely explainable with science.  But be warned the information you are being privy too, is utter bullshit life changing.  I do this because I love you.

Also clearly Canaries are Crack heads.

** DISCLAIMER**  I am not a scientist. Saddly most of the facts above are true  and it just proves you link any series of shit together to come up with a conspiracy.  Tons of birds, fish and crab killed themselves so that I could write this post.  I thank them.
**PS**-  Yesterday I was beyond honored to receive the  "Stylish Blogger Award"  from that Sexy as Hell Bad Ass Cobra Sister Reckmonster.  If you're not reading her, well then I will think less of you.   The award has been placed over at "BeingPeachy" on the awards page, which is where I go to convince myself the meds are working and I don't really stink that bad.

Here's what you have to look forward to in this 


    • Major Earth Events ( including but not limited to:  Super Eruptions, Tommy Lee, Angry Birds( covered on Friday),  Magnetic Pole shifts, near earth objects)   ( done Thursday)
  • I explain and clarify  The entire Mayan Calendar issue. (* today* over at BeingPeachy) DONE
  • Global Pandemics  (  including but not limited to:  Bird Flu ( covered on Friday) ,Swine Flu, Bieber Fever,, Cryus Virus, Zombies)    maybe later this ones way too obvious.
  • Global Warming ( including but not limited to: irony as we freeze right now, Carbon emissions of Martian Humvees)  ( it's too clucking fold to make jokes about this crap right now)
  • Alien Attack ( including but not limited to: Lady GaGa, Marilyn Manson Pluto, MIB, SETI, Sarah Palin)  My tinfoil hat is on backorder so this one has to wait.
  • A.I. ( included but not limited to: Daleks, Wall-E, Johnny 5, I-Robot, Transformers, smart phones) ( This will involve me drawing a lot and it appears that my drawings are like blogger leprosy so I am putting this off until I get my meds refilled.)
  • Black Holes & Colliders  ( including but not limited to: OctoMom, Flux Capacitors, Scientist that don't get laid)   {NOT OPTOMOM, the funky funny blogger we all love, she's not a black hole and I don't think she owns a flux capacitor,  this has to do with Nadia Whatsherfuckingface.)


Oilfield Trash said...

I can't stand that snooki bitch. How is it she has written not one but two fucking books. I don't get it. What did she write about? How to be a drunken whore?

squatlo said...

I have to admit I know less about Angry Birds than I do this Snooki person, and feel somewhat blissful in my obvious ignorance. See how nice it can be to be clueless?

Living here in middle Tennessee, I can attest right now to the fact that a nice blackbird/starling/cowbird die-off would be just fine and dandy. I'm a bird photographer by trade, and love the feathered folks more than most people I've met, BUT, you can take all the blackbirds/starlings/cowbirds the landfill can hold, fine by me.

That magnetic pole shift is a for-real threat. I can't make it to Publix and back without my Tom-Tom, so if the GPS devices get turned around, addled old farts like me will be mindlessly rolling around in circles trying to find the liquor store and home. Scary thought.

ThePeachy1 said...

@OilFieldTrash- I bet this dumb bitch can't write a check let alone a book.
@Squalto- yes old people driving slowly in circles, it's called central Florida.

The Reckmonster said...

I don't even know why I fucking bothered to go to college or graduate school. I should have been friends with you a LOT earlier in life and learned all of the shit I needed to know like EVER. I could have saved shit tons of money too. And you give us this information for FREE, because you love us. If I have said it once, I'll say it 63, 457 more times - you're a friggin' goddess!! CSU!!! =) [P.S. I'm pretty sure the meds ARE working, because I TOTALLY was able to connect the dots and see how all of that shit was inter-connected.]

ThePeachy1 said...

@Reckmonster- I hope you are carrying our fictional virtual baby this weekend as I plan to drink heavily. Much like my main man "Heath" I have had to dig way too deep into all of this to be able to just pull myself out without a stiff bottle and a half of vodka and cheesecake. If my leaps of illogic ever seem fuzzy, whip out your Cap'n crunch secret decoder ring it's standard CSU issue. I <3 you.

Mooner Johnson said...

Peachster. OK, first, I did a long comment here yesterday, but it isn't showing. So, one of the following things is true: 1. You review each comment before posting it and you simply have not reviewed mine yet; 1. Part B., everything about the aforementioned 1., above, is true except the part where I said you haven't reviewed it yet. What makes this 1. Part B. is that you don't want to publish my comment, or you are punishing me here to your bloggie because my bloggie punishes every-fucking-body who tries to post a comment; 2. when I made my attempt to publish my comment here yesterday, I fucked it up; or 3., I didn't actually write a comment here, I simply thought about it. (number 2. is the money line favorite in today's betting pool)

Second, I remember only parts of whatever erudite shit I did/didn't say here yesterday. I do know that I said that since Snooki is named after a fish, your entire logic string has renewed strength and vigor. I might have also asked you things about a visit from my gooey mold goo guy to fit you for a booty mask dealie. I've been doing that often, and with purpose.

Third, in the rereading I've just completed, I am even more convinced that you are onto something. Wait, I think I also asked you about the crabs in yesterday's comment. I love to eat crabs and I was wondering if they are safe to eat after they commit suicide. Maybe it would depend on how they did it. If they ate arsenic or jumped off a cliff, I would need to pass. But if, just as an example, they hung themselves from little ropes made of seaweed, I (for one) would feel safe steaming them up and cracking some shells. Please provide additional information.

Fourth, I love your site. I will read backwards to catch up. I don't mean I'll read like you write in a right-to-left language, rather I'll read most recent posting first.

Fifth, what beer do you drink? It should be Carta Blanca beer-- la cerveza es muy fine!

The Absence of Alternatives said...

Snookie's book was on best selling list for at least a week, right? Actually, please tell me The Onion made up that story...

Put me in the mine with the canaries please! Oh by the way, speaking of miners, I think you're going to love this: