Friday, January 7, 2011

I am so GLAD you showed up !

Yesterday I had another run in with a D2D.  For those of you not aware that's a Door 2 Door Salesman. 

 I used to  try to be patient, and kind, because I  live so far out in the country that if you are doing this on foot, who ever dropped you off hates your guts and wants you to get eaten by dogs or die of exposure.

But over the last 5 years a new bread of D2D has developed.  The buy this meat from my truck guy.  Yes  A guy drives up to my front door in a Truck and tries to convince me to spend a couple hundred bucks on frozen meat. 

I will wait a second and let that sink in, door to door meat salesmen.  Yeah not at all hot, not at all cool, they are always driving super expensive personal trucks and speak like snake oil salesmen.  So here's my question,  " how fucking desperate do you have to be to be a door to door meat salesman in the rural deep south?"

Wouldn't it be safer to clean tiger shit at the zoo while wearing a a porterhouse suit?

Or try to sell doughnuts at a Weight Watchers Meeting?

Seriously these people must be freaking nuts.   You need to know this, when I am presented with someone who is clearly nuckin futs I will raise the bar.

 They never win.  I have actually developed an entire new response just for them.

This will provide you with much laughter, and keep you off any D2D  list that may be floating around.

You need the following simple 4 household items:

Is it fitting together for you yet?   Take the red paint, get some on the apron, and some on the gloves and some on the knife you never intend to use again.

Store in a hall closet near the front door.

When the doorbell rings, slip on this "D2D readiness gear" over whatever you are wearing.

Fling open the door and use my fail proof line.


Only once did a person not walk backwards or run,  and that person was literally frozen in fear and still trying "outsell" me on his meat.   I kept saying, how did you find me? Did anyone see you pull in?  Are you being followed?  Won't you come in?  Please don't mind the mess I was making room in the freezer."

Once he got the hints, he took off or his truck as fast as his portly little ham hocks would carry him.

So I give this gift to you.  The gift of finally knowing how to run off the D2D people.  We all know the sign is nothing more than a challenge to them. 

Go forth and have fun, remember they came to your door.



Marvi Marti said...

I am seriously laughing out loud! This is sheer brilliance! T

Overthinking Mama said...

thats hilarious!! i might just have to try that with all the people that stop into my office for directions to things that aint no where near where we are right now!!

Oilfield Trash said...

That is flipping funny.

pattypunker said...

meat from a truck is only second to sushi from a truck in the "i would rather poke myself in the eye with a rusty skewer than buy this" category.

brilliant solution! i might do that to the jehovah's witnesses too.

squatlo said...

I just found your blog post over at something called S30P or some such nonsense, but loved the vibe.
They show up here in middle TN with Fresh Seafood trucks, too, as if we're going to run out to buy shrimp they've driven in from a coast that's nine hours away, minimum.
Why don't they drive up with cold beer in a truck? That's a market that's going untapped, so to speak.

I've learned that when you answer the door naked it tends to discourage return visits from the meat truckers and Jehovah's Witnesses... although one sweet little woman did come back to tell me my mailbox was open. I think she was confused...

Like your site, shall be back.
Hope you'll skip over and check out mine if you have time... slightly off center rants, raves, and original photography.

Gotta go chase the cowbirds off my feeders, dammit... (why can't we get one of those Arkansas bird kill things over here?)

BusyDad said...

You are both brilliant and twisted. The best combo.

Marie Nicole said...

That is a brilliant solution! You need to live with a friend of mine who, when a Jehovah's witness showed up, he let them in, told them to sit down as he needed to get more comfortable. He walked back out of his bedroom stark NAKED, the Jehovah's crossed his address off their list for good!

leslie (crookedstamper) said...

This is soooo clever. Too bad I don't get enough D2D to utilize it.

This reminds me of a Jeff Foxworthy (I think) joke where he said the way to keep Jehovah's' Witnesses away from your house is to draw a body outline on your porch and scatter around a few religious brochures. [genius]

WV: volti
Maybe about 20,000 volti would shock him into leaving.

Semi True Torystellar said...

love your suggestion. The scary thing is I already own most of these items. If you have the right color of nail polish that can be used too.

Just found your blog and I'm so glad!