Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Mother of the YEAR Award? What? ME? - oh well thanks anyway.

First you must know that my daughter is awesome, responsible, brilliant and she farts glitter.  She had her first 2 years of college near our home on scholarship, once she got her AS  she had to move a few hours away on her own to attend the University of which she pays for by herself.  (Thank you douchebag grant and scholarship people I hope the people you give the free education to actually use for something other than a meth lab)  She is now doing 20 hr credit load in 400 level classes and is on the Deans List.  She gets her BS ( makes me laugh too)  in abnormal psychology and is a Polyglot.  She also has a straight forward hilarious sense of humor  like when I told the story about her and the ATM and when she 'ACTUALLY GUEST POSTED" for me last week. Clearly brilliant.

In August 2009, she had just left home, spreading her confident wings when  less than a week and sent me an email detailing her daily struggles in a new town.  The end of it surprised me because she said,

" Pray for me that I don’t get lost, I don’t get rained out, I make new friends, and that I get to Applebee’s on time and DON’T lock my keys in my car!

I love you and I can’t wait to see you this weekend.

Sam's not a super religious person but clearly the compounding stress drove her to this request and I could tell she was homesick and a bundle of nerves.  At this point most mom's would have said something inspirational, motivational and loving. Most moms would have sent a care package packed full of baked goods and her childhood teddy bear.

 I am not most mom's and the response I gave her is probably just a hint one of the reasons I will never be mother of the year.  ( it is also a work of complete fiction)

Dearest Samantha,
    In accordance with your written formal request for prayer ( which dumbfounded me)  I immediately began the prayer procedure of my choice due to the fact you failed to outline the type of religion or diety rules.  Therefore the official minutes of the prayer meeting are enclosed as follows:
1-  the nekkie dancing under the moon with candles and flowers began at precisely 11pm,
2- the wood nymphs watched in horror at my wiggidy whack dance moves for approximately 15 minutes
3- around 1115 the majoritey (2/3rds) of the wood nymphs began puking
4-those wood nymphs who were not puking joined in my prayer dance
5- by midnight, the woods surrounding our house were sufficiantly cleared of those wildlife without a previous visual impairment.
6- by 1245am, the police showed up in haz mat gear saying they were responding to a suicide call from a racoon who was obviously driven to the state of madness from watching my fat ass jiggle around nekkie in the yard attempting to summons good tidings to you from the gods.
7- by 1am I was served with official legal notice from law enforcement to cease and dessist all nekkie dancing.
8- by 130am a judge came to the house after being woken up by the police chief due to an immediate danger to all citizens.
9- by 2am I was officially charge with animal cruelty and terrorist activites via my nudity and jiggling.
10-at 210am I entered a plea to a lesser charge and made an oath to never dance nekkie under the moon again for any reason.
11- by 230 all paperwork was notarized and filed in triplicate form, with the county clerks office, and 2 drunk wood nymphs were my witness.
12- at aproximately 305am I asked your father to summons his indian ancestors via a tribal dance
13- by 308 your father had fallen in one of the massive holes in our yard and twisted his ankle
13-b-  he landed in a pile of wood nymph puke
14- smelling like wood nymph puke and being injured, 3 drunk wood nymphs then violated your father in ways too illicet for me to speak of.
15- I beat the wood nymps off and out of your father using my bra as a sling shot and dante turds from the dirty kitty litter box as amo.
16- by 319am the wood nymphs were defeated by my ample supply of amo
17- at 325am I applied neosporin to your fathers wood nymph love bites and put him to bed
18- at 350am I placed my slingshot/bra in the washer
19- at 355am the police returned as they had a report from a pissed off armadillo that there was a domestic disturbance and possible sexual assult at this address.
20- by 415 am I had sucessfully bamboozeled the police into believe you dad is just a kinky dude and we were having fun.
21- at 420 am I quietly lit candles for you.
22- at 430 am I slipped into the tub to relax and meditate for good vibes for you.
23- at 440am I began to smell smoke
24- at 445am I began to worry about the smell of smoke
25- at 450 I convinced myself I should get out of the tub and do something about the smell of smoke
26- at 5am I came out to the family room to find ferries smoking a big fattie
27- at 510am I got out the cheetos, mt dew, recees cups and bong, and joined the ferries
28- around aproximately 530am me and the ferries got into a heavy discussion about politics and religion we were in strong disagreance but to stoked to fight
29- by 6am I thought the ferries should leave since alex would be up soon for school
30- at 610am I was escorting the ferries out a couple of wood nymphs saw me with the ferries and a big woodland mythical species gang style war broke out
31- at 620am the sun came up and all the mayham and lifeless bodies that were causalites of the woodland war just disappeared making little "poof" noises
32- at 630am alex woke up and I told him to help me pray your day would go good.
he blew out the candles, bowed his head and said, dear god, please keep my sissy safe and happy today in everything she needs,  and oh yeah, tell my mom to keep her bong in her closet.
33- I am promoting alex to the king of the prayer request club.
Hope everything is AWESOME FOR YOU MY DEAR.... because you rock, also I gave this hot gnome your number hope that's ok.
I love you

So I ask you my friends is it any wonder she changed her major to Abnormal Psychology?  She get's her bachelors in May.  I intend on keeping her busy with family stuff.


* disclaimer*  I do not now, nor have ever owned a bong. Nor was my husband violated by fictional creatures.  Because if he was it would totally be on you-tube.

You can see my daughters Guest Post- called "Sam I am"   by clicking here, 
and Dirty Money by Clicking here

Also this is the kind of smarmy smokin' gnomes that roam my woods


flyddw said...

Very funny post Peachy! you and your very creative thoughts strike again!

Oilfield Trash said...

As always you crack me up Peachy. Should I send you the bill from doctors office for making my side hurt from laughing?

Anonymous said...

Clearly she will be spending a lot of time at home after she gets her degree.
Love ya Peachy.. you make me laugh every day!!

Mosabi said...

I don't understand why she bother to waste her money on University. Her hands on home education on abnormal psychology would have been far superior.

ThePeachy1 said...

as always I love you people like vodka cheesecake. if they haven't invented that yet they should. OFT send me the bill for the DR it can sit here with my 1.7mil in medical bills I aint paying.

The Reckmonster said...

Ahhh, peaches don't fall far from the peach tree! How could your daughter NOT be completely and utterly 100% rad with a mom like you?!!! =)

ThePeachy1 said...

LOL- uhm I can't take the credit for her unless I take the blame for the fucked up kid. ACtually I think the entire nature vs nurture approach is WAY WAY WAY off.

pattypunker said...

this is much more effective praying than the conventional stuff, i'm certain.