Monday, January 17, 2011

Why some people think I am a shitty friend.

When it comes to friendship you could call me, SPECTACULAR.  Of course that would be silly of you and it would point out to me that you are delusional,  not that being delusional and thinking I am like rainbow skittle shitting unicorns, would rule you out. In fact it could get you moved to the front of the line.  I would see the signs and  attempt to help you in anyway possible  attempt to use that to my personal benefit however possible.

Then I had this weird email exchange which was more like watching someone go so far off the deep end that a rope and ladder wouldn't save them.  Being the true shitty friend I am you can only imagine the lack of total support I offered to my friend. Like if we were dating friends the constant minute by minute update over 7 days sharing of this most personal time of emotional upheaval nearly pushed me off the fucking edge and  I worried she would pop up in my kitchen with a boiled rabbit. only brought us closer.

She also blatantly tried to kill me in the end. But you can read for yourself.

ME  at 12:00am
did you try to chat or call me last night AFTER I TOOK AMBIEN?
I only ask because I just now took it and thought shit what was Clarice talking  about, was she talking to me,  did I club a baby seal or go clubbing with a navy seal. Obviously the world needs more ambien

Clarice  12:01am Report
Yep. And the answer to your question on WTF is... I am waiting for my period to start to confirm the pregnancy test I took yesterday that says I am NOT pregnant with the guy that is "just friends"baby.

Clarice  12:02am Report
I'm not sure what the original conversation was about but I think it was that. probably.

Me  at 12:03am
how long ago was the ll lovin  ( ambien typing rocks)and when was your last  female time?
also am I safely guessing he did not have a vasectomy, isn't sterile  and didn't use rubbers   both of you mature adults who KNOW better didn't use any protection at all?

Clarice  at 12:05am Report
Remember I stopped the pill like 3 months ago and am trying out new BC methods but since I never get laid I didn't have anything? Not  sterile, no vasectomy, no rubbers... he (left the building like elvis) but i KNOW some of his gunk got on my junk.
Also, ( I neurotically checked every website to do with Junk near spunk and it appears I was ovulating at the time.). Yes, the day after we had lunch and you fell on your face taking me to the airport . Then asked TSA to feel you up even though you weren't flying, thus causing me to get violated on every feasable level because you were causing a scene and with me.  I was kind of ( turned on by the nearly sexual experience with TSA thanks to you)  celebrating the fact that you lived and when he  picked me up at the airport because his sister was " busy"  we  BUCKED LIKE 11th GRADE FUNNIES, hooked up.I am due to start my period on Sunday.


************Ambien must have kicked in because it's now the next day****************

Me  3:19pm
Well you know this kind of things happen and your an awesome person and mother and obviously capable of handling whatever happens just know I am here for you because that's what friends do.
So yeah, you're both completely fucking stupid.   I hope you realize this will probably end up on one of my blogs.  Also can my husband the Android and I have the baby? He told me today we had to have another baby because my first goal was to survive long enough to see Oldest Child graduate and go to college, and for the past 4 years my goal has been to see youngest child graduate and go to college, so if we have a baby now, that will mean I will live 20 more years instead of 8. Obviously having my own  baby would indeed kill me, youngest child nearly did,  but I won that fight, so youngest kid you deal with that guilt I plan to use like a weapon against you when your a teenager   So I told him we have to hope oldest child gets married and has a baby in the next 9 years, and she said not likely so can we have your baby to save my life? 
also you  are driving me fucking crazy with your neurotic menstal cycle updates I think you may need to be hospitalized.   have got to try to stop worrying about it, other wise you will make it NOT come.   Unlike him.
keep me posted hooker I will start decorating a nursery here in my house today.

Clarice 3:41pm
Certain things are NOT an option  like common sense, or my personal story ending up on your blog, me turning down hot monkey sex with this smoking hot dude, because I haven't been laid in so long I feel like Hillary Clinton and  honestly the guy I only know in a casual setting   will be a GREAT dad someday... maybe in 8 months, maybe in 8 years... hopefully the latter. and no, you can't have the baby. The guy would lose his shit.

********Later that night********

Clarice 10:14pm Report
ugh. everything points to "yep, sounds like you could be pregnant".  I'm really hoping Sunday I start. Have I mentioned that? except that I hope I don't start b/c I'm sick in the head  like that( NO FUCKING WAY?)  and I've always wanted more babies, just not with that fuckface I was married to. It's why I didn't get my tubes tied after my last kid was born.

Me at 2:03am
oh, then I guess what your saying is you're kind of on the fence about us adopting this fictional baby?  how solid are you on that?   Did I even fucking tell you that I want to be like Angelina Jolie and adopt a ton of foreign babies?   Then get their geographical birth locations tattooed on my body?  Could you image the awesome multi culture reputation of our family if we adopted your fictional Canadian baby?  Hello?  I mean getting to explain the exotic and forieng birthplace of my clearly adopted child would make me like so frigging cool.  can you say OPRAH?

Clarice 7:36am Report
Under no circumstances would I let you have this baby,  I am worried that you are in charge of a goldfish let alone a child.  Also Canadian children look just like american children so your plan doesn't hold water and you and I look so much alike no one would even guess it wasn't your kid.

Me at 7:42
I like the way you said "your kid".   Let's talk this over. What about the dying part? The reason to live part?  The you could save my life like an organ donor but it would be a child with it's own organs not actually an organ for me.

Clarice 7:45
 NO dammit

Me at7:42
that kind of sucks.  let me clarify this- what your saying is you want me to die faster? and some douche that didn't even use birth control with you and his" feelings" are WAY more important than my being not dead? Clarice you are such a cold hearted bitch, geesh.  I will let my kid know you are hoping I die soon.  Thanks.   Now I hate you and wont talk to you again for at least 15 minutes... which is like a year for me.  Also as you are the direct cause of my demise as a last request I demand you to wear thigh high leather boots, a aluminum foil thong and mardi gras colored tassel pasties, while you do the original Vanilla Ice dance in front of my coffin for everyone in attendance.

Clarice 7:45
I know... I"m a terrible friend!!! :(    I still haven't started,  I know it's only been a week and I wont technically be late for another11 days  but I think I felt the baby kick

Me at 9:12am
Really,  your fucking mental, also, you're trying to murder me,  I have written proof you are trying to kill me by not giving me this fictional baby that you probably aren't even pregnant with.    Probably not,  assassin....

Clarice 9:22am
I think my milk is coming in,  just found out through his linkdin and we both have twins in our family tree.

Me:  11:30
Dear Assassin-  they make meds for this kind of shit.  I thought you had free health care in Canada. Also I am pretty sure when the Queen of Canada see's this, she's going to  strip you of your citizenship and send you out afloat on an iceberg to die alone with your fictional baby, named NANUK.

Clarice 12:15
Yeah your right,  "I" am the idiot here.

Me:  1:55
Well now at least we agree on something.

See I am a piece of shit selfish moron, good and supportive friend

* No friends, fictional babies, baby seals, or Navy Seals, were harmed during the making of this post.  My friend told me I could use this since she paid like 598 billion Loonies ( no shit that's their money in Canada, which is appropriate in her case and ironically hilarious, to take a blood test that said she was not knocked up but since it's MONDAY and she's now 3 hours late she's convinced the blood test is wrong. So she is out buying maternity pants and nursing bras.

also-  I made pancakes at 10pm last night for a herd of kids that happen to be here, this is a picture of them because I am FREAKING AWESOME with kids AND Goldfish spank you very much.


Oilfield Trash said...

I love how you talked about "baby batter" and then mixed in something about pancakes. lol

Anonymous said...

Damn. Im taking your ambien from now on. Everytime Ive taken it Ive only had dreams of Ninja Navy Seals trying to repel off of my roof. I kept waking the husband up telling him this and asking him to walk to Wendy's to get us all baked potatoes. Or so Im told... I was sleeping and the husband has been known to mess with my head.

also... bwwaahhhaa.. baby batter. I will never look at pancakes the same!

Miley said...

omfg that was the funniest shit I've read in such a damn long time!! gunk on the junk? wth?

Canadians are kinda dumb huh

AutumnRose said...

....I am humbled and in awe of your pancakes!

(I laughed my ass off when I read this post! Thanks for starting my day off right!)

Nikki Rules said...

I had a really witty remark to make but then Miley got me all sidetracked!

WTF Chuck? Canadians are dumb? Funny how there's a shitload of jokes 'bout the Southerners, but the only jokes about the Canadians are... wait a minute, NONE! Booyaw!

Oh, and Peachfuzz: you are the sunshine of my life...

my cyber house rules

ThePeachy1 said...

I love you all widely and think we should get together for naked twister. Megan way to insult an entire country there girl. Nikki, sorry but there are sooo MANY jokes about canadians, nearly as much as southerners but since your boarder patrol escorted me out of that country last time I was there, I don't think I will be telling any, plus I like to make pancakes not war.
Autumn Rose- hey think thi sis the first time I have met you so welcome aboard, yes every once and a while I kick out something out of character just to shake up the folks who think they know me.

squatlo said...

Great post! I love disjointed conversations between hormone/pharmaceutically addled women...
As long as the conversation is taking place somewhere other than where I'm trying to sleep.
The crack about stupid southerners hurt, even if it's true. Listen, we're trying to correct that down here... I'm dumping massive quantities of chlorine into the shallow end of the gene pool, and we're lobbying Congress to give us funding for a southern fence on the northern border of Texas. We figure that alone will solve most of America's problems.
Gotta go... call now, ovulators on duty.

Chunky Mama said...

Did you just lie to AutumnRose and say this post was out of character?

Venom said...

Okay, is that icing on the pancakes?

I can't believe you made pancake manjunk with icing. I've heard people drive & shit on the Ambien, and don't even know they've done anything when they woke up; which would explain the junk, except that you remember doing it.

Now I'm back to being disturbed about pancake junk in general.

ThePeachy1 said...

Squalto- you sexy thing, who would have pegged you as a lover of drugged females, well other than the FBI. Glad you popped by!
Chuncky Momma I meant the pancakes, you know that's kind of out of character since it's nearly domestic and stuff.

Venom- no those are the pancakes, I make my mix then add food coloring and then make designs, I think it totally covers up the fact there is no meat, dairy or anything healthy involved but that I still love them. ( also they are not my kids, so why not)

The Reckmonster said...

Oh Peachy, I nearly pissed myself reading this. I think I'll go ahead and charge you for the new drawers I'll need since I kind of dribbled a little before I made it to the bathroom. You really should put a disclaimer on ALL of your posts that says "Please void BEFORE you read this post" to avoid any potential lawsuits and shit.

ThePeachy1 said...

ACTUALLY- that is tattooed on my inner thigh per order of the Florida supreme court.

( whiny ass frat boys and their OMG I thought she loved me bullshit)

but I guess since you guys can't see my thigh ( which is a good thing for yall trust me).

I just assume people start at being peachy and fall over here and that eases them off the crazy train and into the nut hut.

Chunky Mama said...

@Peach, ohhhhh gotcha now. :)
But, I seem to remember some awesome reindeer cupcakes in your past?

@Venom - pancakes + icing = brilliance

Venom said...

Holy shit Peach, that is SO much more work than I would ever have done for my own children (whom I love), much less whiny neighbour children whose parents might later insist I chip in on psycological assessments and stuff.

I have thought about it, and though I plan to love them beyond all reason (should I ever have any, absolutely not one second sooner than a decade from now thank you), I cannot envision myself going to this much trouble for grandchildren either. At least, not my son's kids, because at any moment their mother could decide I'm not very nurturing and refuse to leave them alone with me, which also kills my dream of dressing them up in weird outfits and taking pictures of them for spare $$... My daughter's kids though? HAH! They're stuck with me for LIFE, suckas.
My daughter says she is going to be sterilized at the first opportunity.
Brat is always screwing with me.