Monday, January 24, 2011

I thought of you...

You need to realize I have this INSANE freaking phobia about public restrooms. 

 Which is just ONE of the 3 million and three reasons I should not have been allowed to have children.  Those little screaming heckling crotch fruits ( Holly's word)  will have to go in EVERY SINGLE ONE you ever pass or come within 25 miles of and the dirtier the better.

So Friday  I had to do fasting blood work for Dr Kavorkian.  When I finally finished I ordered a double protein strawberry mango banana smoothie which is apparently smoothie talk for laxative.  ( TMI? shut up there's a reason).

I have to of course face my fears and go into a public restroom on the military base who apparently can march in order and shoot a  non existent WMD from 500 miles but CAN NOT hit a toilet.

So after I did the Lysol, germ ex, bleach, rubber gloves haz-mat suit pre-qualification requirements for me to go in there ( all of which I took from their store shelves)  I hovered like a military chanook and then I noticed it.

Pants around my knees wearing yellow rubber dish gloves,  breathing in a paper bag,  and trying to go to my mental happy place,  I thought of you. ( touched right?) 

I saw the item below, neatly, cleanly, and more important, sterile, hanging on the wall.

In one gianormous swoop of genius it all became clear ! 

If they had these in stores and malls and restaurants people could strap in their precious snowflake ( DNA muddle puddle spuddle, )  in a sound proof booth and go on about their business without subjecting me to their freaking loud brats adorable children, or their eddie bower Humvee strollers, or more importantly their nearly always infectious bundles of joy that are drooling, coughing, sneezing and shitting with every breath.

It looks like a hard plastic and therefore hose-able jump seat.  which leads me to believe they could be welded to the OUTSIDE of all commercial flights?

and somehow this all made me think of you,  you're welcome.

* I dedicate this post to the person who hates blogs that aren't funny, post about poop, and posts about children, she totally knows who she is. That's all I got to say about that.


Oilfield Trash said...

Public bathrooms suck. You just gave me an idea to post about one of my experiences with a public bathroom.

One year when I was driving my kids to Atlanta from Houston we stopped in Vinton, La (exit 4) on I-10 to use the pisser. Me and my son had gone into the mens restroom which had one crapper and one urinal. And someone had dropped a duece in the urinal. Who the fuck does that shit? lol

The Absence of Alternatives said...

2 stories about public bathrooms: I have a cousin who became a family legend because he could not use the bathrooms for number 2 in his grade school. So what did he do being from a wealthy family? He took a cab home when the needs arose. Story #2: When I first became a mother I frequented a mommy chatroom. Once we did an Internet fundraising for a military mom because she was having a hard time pumping and shipping her breast milk back home for the baby. There was not nursing room then. She said she had to crouch on the toilet seat and pump with the door closed.

The Reckmonster said...

Actually, Peachy, I'm kind of in favor of making those sterile mounted seats in a larger size...for the jackass-sized adults that need a seat on the OUTSIDE of the plane.

pattypunker said...

at first i'm all like, hell no do you know how many douchebag parents will use those seats as babysitters and leave their kids in them kicking, crying, and screaming with snot running down their noses. but then i saw the baby section on the plane and i was BRILLIANT!!! and put them in the back of restaurants too with loud banging dishes, pots and pans.

Venom said...

I'm laughing at the thought of you scamming the store shelves for your equipment! Hah, that'll teach them to MEAN it when they initial those damn papers.

squatlo said...

Peachyone, if we had to qualify in order to have children, none of us would be here. I'm pretty sure none of us had Ozzie and Harriet for parents, and god knows I wouldn't have qualified myself.
I still remember the night my son had a sudden case of diarrhea at the age of two, and because The Empress pretended to sleep through the screaming from the next room, it fell to me to get up and deal with it. I took his soiled little butt to the bathroom, held him up by one hand and sprayed him off with the shower sprayer while saying (swear to god) "Oh, hush! It'll warm up in a minute!"

My current wife (the lovely and dangerous one) has a bladder the size of a thimble, so even though our own kids are grown and gone, we STILL have to stop at every public restroom on the interstate. If I had a map of the southeastern United States and put a push-pin marker at every public restroom "we've" visited, it would look like Pinhead from the movie Hellraiser.
And she hasn't found one clean enough to suit her needs yet, so when she comes back to the car the next ten minutes of the trip (to the next exit restroom) is spent describing the horrors she just endured in order to relieve herself.
I'm getting her an in-car catheter for our next trip, and just gonna run the hose out through the hatchback... we'll leave a trail like Hansel and Grettel, or whatever their names were.
Gotta go... (hovering like a chanook, eh? I spit coffee on my monitor at that line, dammit!)

squatlo said...

Oh, yeah... forgot this one: on one of our happy family trips when my kids were little I sent my son into a gas station stall to do his business while I used the urinal. Unfortunately, I didn't inspect the stall first.
He came out immediately and asked me why someone would throw a white balloon into the toilet.

I don't think I've ever shut off a flowing faucet faster.

squatlo said...

Peach, I can't believe you don't have fifty or more comments on this post! This is one of the funniest I've read in a long time...
Where the hell IS everyone?

(probably wiping down a toilet seat somewhere...)

Suzy said...

Thank you for calling attention to the hell that is the public restroom. You deserve a medal.

ThePeachy1 said...

I love all of you. Also I do deserve a medal I am going to buy myself something. Thanks Suzy- for those of you trolling my comments for cool people to meet, Suzy is MOST DEFINITELY ON THAT LIST.