~WARNING~THE APOCALYPSE IS NIGH! BREAKING NEWS !

THE FACTS I WILL REVEAL IN THIS SERIES WILL GET ME

COMMITTED,  PICKED UP BY HOMELAND SECURITY

IN THE HISTORY BOOKS 

AT LEAST UNTIL THE EARTH ENDS.

I have spent   minutes,  hours, weeks, months,  years  researching the topic I am about to present you with and find that the following series will be the most fictitious conclusive argumentative  Scientific Study I have brought to you in at least a couple days, EVER.   The New York Times would  describes it as "Earth Shattering" and Wall Street Journal would say, " most enlightening series known to mankind."  if they were  tripping on LSD and buried in an under ground bunker with the only escape being writing what I say, they would probably have said that.

Just like a mommy logger giving away a $1.00 off coupon for huggies  first class national news programs.  I have the kind of dedicated dogs staff that will come through when it counts. This "BREAKING NEWS GRAPHIC"  should appear on your screen every 15 minutes as we flood you with utter speculation and misinformation  nothing but the facts.

This scientific study is a multi part series and it will cover nothing of any real importance EVERYTHING.

It will contain so much bullshit imperative information that it will need to cross over to my other blog " Being Peachy".  Which means this week you will need to read both blogs so  you can, see what a total fucking idiot I really am,  be more informed and prepared. Not that it will even remotely help. 

The series is broken down into bite sized dollops of  rancid  kempchi  separate points and post so that it is easier to read without vomiting,  comprehend.

Here's what you have to look forward to in this 

FREAKING AWESOME

APOCALYPTIC SERIES

• I explain and clarify  The entire Mayan Calendar issue. (* today* over at BeingPeachy) 

• Global Pandemics  (  including but not limited to:  Bird Flu,Swine Flu, Bieber Fever,, Cryus Virus, Zombies)

• Alien Attack ( including but not limited to: Lady GaGa, Marilyn Manson Pluto, MIB, SETI, Sarah Palin)

• Major Earth Events ( including but not limited to:  Super Eruptions, Tommy Lee, Angry Birds, Magnetic Pole shifts, near earth objects)

• Global Warming ( including but not limited to: irony as we freeze right now, Carbon emissions of Martian Humvees)

• A.I. ( included but not limited to: Daleks, Wall-E, Johnny 5, I-Robot, Transformers, smart phones)

• Black Holes & Colliders  ( including but not limited to: OptoMom, Flux Capacitors, Scientist that don't get laid) 

Now you have a basic glimpse into what is coming at you.  Will you chose the red pill or blue pill?

 Remember ONLY you can prevent forest fires.  Shit that is the wrong tag line, where is my damn speech writer? 

XO

PEACH OUT

* now after you leave your comment head over to  www.beingpeachy.com  and catch the clarification of the entire Mayan Calendar issue.

Also this is an actual movie on Netflix that my husband and friend watched when I got drunk and passed out.

Mayan Calendar Budget Cuts

A lot of people are freaking smooth out because of the Mayan Calendar.  So I used my Government Experience to come up with a more feasible explanation of what happened.











That's the  mystery behind they Mayan Calendar. Now you know.

.

XO

PEACH OUT

Implied Meaning- ThePeachyPit-a-Pedia

It appears that what we have here is a 

failure to communicate.

Pulling my hair does not mean grabbing 1 strand or a fistful from the top of my head.

It is quite clear that often i have some words/terms or colloquialisms  that are either original, geographical or just plain misunderstood.  Most of the time There are other times that I just don't make sense to anyone but me and my 32 other personalities. 

A long while back on Being Peachy I released the first edition of the "Peachy to English Dictionary". Words terms and phrases I invented or that were invented by myself or my daughter or my daddy.  Or at least I thought they were. 

  

Over the last year I have continued to add to each category thus building this into something completely insane  that is surely a huge contribution to society as a whole and the very future of mankind. 

There are 3 main categories-   Definitions,  Phrases and then Implied Meaning ( which includes southern speak) In many of the below  I am a result on a google search and I am not sure if this is a good or bad thing, but the Leo in me says,  " obviously it's all good baby".  

Definitions-

Epic Asshattednes- Ok so I didn’t invent this even though I had thought I did, but I do rank third and fourth in it on google for a few months so I might has well have invented it.  { Update I think I pretty much eat up the entire first page?}

Muffin Man- I know you all heard it when you were kids but it did not mean what I mean by it, therefore even though I didn’t invent the term I invented this definition and if you don’t know what I am talking about that sucks for you  here is a link to that information. You’re Welcome invoice is in the mail.

WereDroid –  this is all my daughter, I call my husband the droid because he is very smart, and yet amazingly void of most human emotions and social interaction skills.  He is hairy and so she calls him the WereDroid.  The perfect combo of a hairy werewolf and a droid.

AssFaceShitard – although you may have heard of both parts of this term unless used properly and in combo like this well then you haven’t met one of these. I totally invented it.

Ambidextraphibion - A person who can go adjust the water with their feet while in the shower or bathtub.

Hippopotwatamus –  this is when a female ( usually) is such a huge twat that you are left speechless and or so full of angry you kick teddybear hamsters like hacky sacks.

Tyrannosaurusbitch-  this is exactly what it sounds like. A gianormus fossil bitch. Again with the daughter it was invented the same day I invented the Hippotwatamus during our brainstorm of new names to call people. Yeah we are that cool.  ( also see BitchasaurousRex)

HerpaGunaSyphillCraibs - the daughter again. Explaining to her younger brother what he would catch if he bonked the little scuzzbucket he was dating.  ( I am paraphrasing to clean it up a bit.) Break it down and figure out how many VD’s oh I am so sorry young people STD’s are in that word. Pure Genius.

BOB -  sure you think it’s some guy that works as a greeter at walmart, but everytime I see the name Bob on someones shirt I bust out laughing.  Why you ask.  Because my friend KM invented it about 13 years ago. Not only is it a palindrome but more importantly it’s a acronym .  Wait for it..  Battery Operated Buddy.  You will never see any Bob in the same light.

StudleyDooRight-  A hot sexy guy with manners and chivalry and all that “help the damsel in distress”  stuff.   Could be a helpful Muffin Man with morals.

DingesKhan -  This is a usually a male who is such a freaking huge moron that he gets named after history that he probably doesn’t know but with a sprinkling of Dingus in there.

ClosetBabe-  this is a guy or girl ( I am not judgmental about your preference)  is so cute/hot/smexy/adorable/smokin  that you want to take them home and chain them in your closet.  Like your favorite pair of Pj’s they are right there waiting happily for you when you want them.  Be careful not to confuse Muffin Men with ClosetBabes, totally different. You want the muffin man to leave, you want to chain and lick the closetbabe. However a cloestbabe could turn into a muffin man.

Jizz Gurggler-  not to be confused with the old and nearly antiquated cum guzzler the jizz gurgler , is in the same family/species,  but is not a guzzler, just a gurgler.

PHRASES

The IQ of a _________ ( below are the common things I fill in the blank with )

Carrot,  Blade of Grass, Frog shit on a log, Popsicle stick in a toilet, hamster wheel, soggy toilet paper roll, used tampon, bowl of unset jello,  fetus.

The personality of a _________ ( below are the common things I fill in the blank with )

toilet tank, litter box, hippo shit, enema, piece of carbon paper, someone I would stab with a rusty spoon,  poached egg,  stinky sock.

That person is such a ____________( below are the common things I fill in the blank with )

lyinflatfootedguttersnake,  smacktastic wench,  AppleII,  DickHeadimusMaximus, snorkelneedingpitypoolswimmer,  rectumblister,   cracketysmacketyhobag,  oralfacialpedomite,

IMPLIED MEANING- 

Douche-     do not need to use word bag or canoe or hat  because this is the simplified version and the other endings are implied.  example:

"every time I am around her I am like, "uh, your mans like a douche? " 

* Silent Stare* -  do not need to use the really?  wow?  ( in person)  because the silent stare is the simplified version of, " you need medical help"   or  " I can't speak right now as I am contemplating how you will die"

"Bunco" -  do not need to explain anything to your spouse, it is implied that this means you are going to bunco to get wasted,  it's understood,  this is the equivalent to guys poker night but with a lot more boobs and sex talk.

"medicinals" -  do not need to explain that you are not actually getting these from the drug store or dr,  it is implied they will come from a liquor store or still.  

UNDERSTANDING SOUTHERN SPEAK-

When presented with a photo or heaven forbid in person the view of friends daughter in a wedding dress and she looks like a wilder beast got caught in a white silk trap  you say,

  " beautiful dress"     NOT -  OMG is that your husbands child? or did you get impregnated by a yeti? 

When presented with an ugly baby ( and there are ugly babies)  you have many options but most used is the 1 spouse option.  Meaning if only 1 spouse is with the baby you say,

" aww  he/she/it  must look just like the mommy/daddy/missing spouse"    not  "aww  he/she/it must look just like if a goat and a tele-tubbie bread, sorry about that try again?"

When you are confronted with someone you can not stand/tolerate and wish ill you say,

" well bless your pea pickin heart"   not " I want to stab your stupid ass with a spork and push you in a vat of lemon juice filled with zombie sharks that have lazor beams on their head so they can track you and slice you and then flip you around like a volley ball."

*  do not confuse this with  Bless your heart"  which literally means OMG you are so screwed .

When something happens you always thought was not only possible but indeed probable yet the person involved seem shocked since they have been living in denial,  such as a neighbor tells you a local kid who was always a rotten little rat but since he played sports all his nasty deeds were over looked gets popped with 32 charges in the next town for doing the things your town has been letting him get away with and your entire town is shocked, you say-

"Well shut my mouth"  not  "I FUCKING TOLD YOU PEOPLE HE WAS A LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT FOR YEARS!"

Ok that's enough for now, if I give you too much too fast your brain will "pop like a tick" ( another southern saying, that makes me quite barfy).   Plus I want some Tator Nuts and they close in 30 minutes.

xo

PEACH OUT

Also this week I was honored to receive the "Stylish Blogger Award" from Sunny Sings the Blues and my Daughters Guest Post  here  at The Pits titled "Sam I am"  garnered the "LOL" award fromBran~Muffin.   Much thanks to both of them and the awards have been added to my award page  over at BeingPeachy ! Much Thanks Ladies.

also I hate it when this happens to me

Winter Perspective- on ThePits

My kung foo is weak today.  I think I need more

 hot pockets and Xena tapes.

( bonus points to the geek who knows what that's from without google)

So forgive my half ass non funny post, 

can I suggest you instead read the awesome people I like to on the lower right sidebar?

The other day I had to leave my house.

I wasn't happy about it

Until I saw this on the corner.

and it made me smile. Because even though you can't tell she was dancing and singing loudly and smiling.  

Then I had to get gas of course and the dumb pay at the pump didn't work so I had to go in and I was pissy until I saw this.

and that made me smile because in case you didn't notice that's a Bacardi beach umbrella, with flip flops and a cooler and other beach like niceties.

I finished what I had to do with a smile even though it wasn't a fun task.

Then realizing the rest of the nation was buried under this absolutely foreign thing called "white stuff" I went 3 minutes out of my way and stopped and made one of these.

This isn't actually mine because I obviously forgot how to successfully make a snow angel from the time I was a kid and knew what snow felt like, also snow and sand have different textures.

In the end, yes I live in the south. I live on the Gulf  of Mexico.  We get stereo typed, slammed, insulted, and picked on.  I am not from here, I chose to live here, to raise my children here, and guess what.  I am sending you some pretty warm wishes and an open invite to come make your own sand angel.  Because that's how we roll down here.

xo
PEACH OUT

How Kevin ruined Bacon- the time I didn't get arrested

I've lived a thousand lives, 

and was nearly arrested in all but 2. 

Those are the ones they caught me.

During High School I lived in a tiny town in central Florida that had 1 catwalk ( the thing for pedestrians to cross the street over traffic- not the cool high fashion catwalk).

In retrospect  this catwalk being within 1 block of my high school where everyone knew me might not have been the best place to skip for the first time.

Maybe if I were just sitting  there quietly and not drawing attention to myself I would have been ok.  But no I had to be all "footloose, kick off my Sunday shoes".

Yes that's right. I skipped school the very first time after watching the movie "Footloose with Kevin Bacon".

It's not that the movie was that so amazingly awesome, and I am not a big Kevin Bacon fan. ( However I friggin LOVE real  bacon, or as my kid calls it, "pig meat".) Nothing against you Kevin, I am sure you're reading this and  I do NOT want to hurt your feelings. I just never really connected to much of the stuff you did, including your music. I am sure your fantastic and all that it's just my personal thing ok,  at the time I was busy being all hot over John Bon Jovi.  ( shout out Johnny babe, remember me from that concert, sure you do!)

But Kev, ( I can call you Kev right?)  your movie did inspire me. To skip school, put your soundtrack in my walkman ( google ancient technology), and then attempt to do your movie  moves across my towns catwalk. ( which could have only hurt my street cred, because people called my mom and the school thinking I was suffering from a medical condition)

Is this my fault? No, it's yours.  You did this, this was the marked beginning of  my awesome crazy wild memories downfall as a teenager.

Well that and the entire living so close to Dayton Beach that I thought spring break was the entire year round and would eventually end  up on MTV spring break 4 years in a row and who the heck knew my mom would be watching that crap? ( shout out to Mom in case she figured out browsers from email and finds this..)

On the upside, it was pretty much the point I also realized you only go around 1 time ?  Smell the roses? Enjoy your life?  So I have to thank you for that, which is probably the soul reason I secretly bought  your CD , "Forosoco" ( still available at amazon) . See that Kev I pimped your CD because 
you taught me to skip school and dance like a moron in the middle of my town,
 you were part of my coming of age.  Much like "Breakfast Club". "Ferris Buellers Day off",  "Sixteen Candles",  "Weird Science", "Pretty in Pink" and "Risky Business" .

Except in each of those movies there was a guy I was willing to make out with.
(*Note* if you have not watched every single one of these movies at least 2 times each, you fail and better head on over to netflix and get you some life).
 (*Disclaimer* I am not saying I would not make out with you under any circumstances. As a married woman I have found there are many things I can overlook and honestly  I am not seeing that many flaws with you compared to some others. )

I wish I could make my daughter in college sit down and watch all the above movies, including yours, except I don't want her to skip school, lend her panties to a nerd,  turn a barbie and porno into a human,  steal a car, hire a hooker, and make out with a dude while she wears a flammable bridesmaid dress as she leans over candles, and wreck her parents car.  I ended up doing all of those, well except for the barbie thing,  that was a bogus script and shit theory, it totally did not work with the GI Joe I stole from my brothers.

But  each of these movies taught me something, they  marked a certain stage in my life, and I am sure in some way the have helped me enjoy the ride.

So Kev, honey, I blame you for the beginning of  my awesomeness, before that I was just another chick in a school showing up and learning.

Why did I think dancing like this was acceptable in public?

Let's be clear that I blame nothing on Brendan Fraser because he is my main man, and entered my life way after I was all formative and junk.  But he lurves me, visits me while my husband is at work, is the father to 1 of my children,  is the main focus of a lot of my adult dreams,
 has done some great work.


XO


PEACH OUT

PS- any stars I failed to give a shout out to that I totally owe a shout out to, I will get to you in time, whether you like it or not.  ( That's a heads up to you Van Halen { pre Hagar}, Ralph Macchio { you're my bud but you already know that}, Ratt { because that was the first music video I was in}, Judd Nelson { because I gave my earing to a dirtbag}, Curtis Armstrong, Steve Perry, Rod Stewart, Sting, Alan Ruck  and many many more... )

PSS- this post was not sponsored by Kevin Bacon,  The Anti Bacon Defamation League or Netflix, which means they all owe me BIG TIME.

I thought of you...

You need to realize I have this INSANE freaking phobia about public restrooms. 

 Which is just ONE of the 3 million and three reasons I should not have been allowed to have children.  Those little screaming heckling crotch fruits ( Holly's word)  will have to go in EVERY SINGLE ONE you ever pass or come within 25 miles of and the dirtier the better.

So Friday  I had to do fasting blood work for Dr Kavorkian.  When I finally finished I ordered a double protein strawberry mango banana smoothie which is apparently smoothie talk for laxative.  ( TMI? shut up there's a reason).

I have to of course face my fears and go into a public restroom on the military base who apparently can march in order and shoot a  non existent WMD from 500 miles but CAN NOT hit a toilet.

So after I did the Lysol, germ ex, bleach, rubber gloves haz-mat suit pre-qualification requirements for me to go in there ( all of which I took from their store shelves)  I hovered like a military chanook and then I noticed it.

Pants around my knees wearing yellow rubber dish gloves,  breathing in a paper bag,  and trying to go to my mental happy place,  I thought of you. ( touched right?) 

I saw the item below, neatly, cleanly, and more important, sterile, hanging on the wall.

In one gianormous swoop of genius it all became clear ! 

If they had these in stores and malls and restaurants people could strap in their precious snowflake ( DNA muddle puddle spuddle, )  in a sound proof booth and go on about their business without subjecting me to their freaking loud brats adorable children, or their eddie bower Humvee strollers, or more importantly their nearly always infectious bundles of joy that are drooling, coughing, sneezing and shitting with every breath.

It looks like a hard plastic and therefore hose-able jump seat.  which leads me to believe they could be welded to the OUTSIDE of all commercial flights?

and somehow this all made me think of you,  you're welcome.

xo

PEACH OUT

* I dedicate this post to the person who hates blogs that aren't funny, post about poop, and posts about children, she totally knows who she is. That's all I got to say about that.

Fasting is for Fava Beans

Last night a friend ( who actually has a real life)  sent this message to our little group of sickos.


"I hope you people realize that logging in here after just 5 minutes is like missing 1 episode of a soap opera,  trying to watch it for a week to figure out what you have missed and then realizing that some asshole has changed the channel" 


So I thought I would summarize the day with my brilliance but my brilliance was left in the refrigerator  in the form of a cheesecake that I could not eat BECAUSE I HATE TO FAST FOR THE DAMN BLOODWORK.

Dearest Stephanie, 

Clarice has 3 personalities and tried to kill me A FUCKIN GAIN. She aint knocked up a FUCKING GAIN but tried to use her fictional candian baby as a murder weapon on me, Her yard boy could have been the daddy, but she had angry sex with her husband for breakfast just in case, then Dawn who is really me, is showing up in my eyes at the dr's appointments so I have to go in and have fasting bloodwork in the morning and since I have the will power of a crackwhore I have to go to bed in like 2 seconds which means I will have no posts tomorrow on either blog but Dawns blood sugar is low because I am fasting and her eye is twitching because I am actually her. Dawn started talking about a website where she would sell sweaters for cats but that she would need to sell stun guns with each sweater because cats don't do well with " dressing" and then I knew that I should probably eat something, you know for Dawns sake.

You posted you went running which caused me to freak becasue I thought you were being attacked because no one would fucking run unless you were in mortal peril because that's just fucking insane and we all know Clarice has the damn Oscar awards on the insanity shit,  and you live on a little island?  hello?  shark bait? I mean really? right? but I couldn't figure out what your 911 number was so I just prayed to buddah ( because god is really pissed at me right now due to my post on the pits today yesterday) that you would be ok, and then I was told I was coming back as a cat turd when i die by the Dalai Lama which is freaky since he's dead but he came to me as a Unicorn and Jimmy Page was on his back so I believe him.




Clarice had this fucked up silence of the lambs conversation, and I think she is cooking fava beans in her kitchen right now to go with my liver. ( or Dawns) Poor Dawn, she's much closer to Canada than I am, but poor me, I am much closer to Alabama.  Which is worse in the grand scheme of things?  Having your liver eaten by Clarice or living next to an entire state that wants to kill you right now? 

Tiffanys stupid coworker thinks her middle name is actually "potatoe salad"  and we are getting her a fake ID in New Orleans this weekend we told her it was in Homage of her mothers Great Grandfather  General Polk Salad a famous Civil War hero. She is totally buying it and we told her that is why Tiffany has to have next Monday off as it's a Civil War Holiday. I am making up letter head and notarizing the letter from the sisterhood of the Northern Alliance of The Souther Civil War Leaders Holiday Association.

Then Steven Tyler called and said I was hot and that he liked my post on Being Peachy about him over on Being Peachy even though I said he looked like Janice Dickenson and Brendan Fraser got all jealous pissy which is totally not like him at all, then my husband came home and they gecko roman wrestled and it was fucking crazy. my dalmation won, but Ryan Reynolds got loose from the closet and defused the situation with a joke and we all had some cheesecake. 

So my bloodwork will be screwed up and I will get 52 new medications that will probably kill me and and Clarice will eat my liver which means Dawn will die too and no one will be around to back up Tiffany's story or call 911 when you fall off your damn island. I hope this catches you up, sorry you wont have anywhere to get a sweater for your cat or a stun gun.




xo


PEACH OUT

photo credit to cheezburger.com 

Dear Heathens of Alabama and Miss Arkansas I am a setting up a refugee camp

DEAR HEATHENS OF THE SOUTH.  

PLEASE DO NOT PANIC.

 I AM HERE FOR YOU.

In some un fucking fathomable parallel universe a judgmental person who thinks he has the right to take his personal interpretation of a human interpretation of what a ( possible) Omnipotent beings wishes are and then use them to pass his own personal judgement on you publicly.

SHOCKER!

This is not rare, it happens every second of every day in nearly every culture, in fact nearly every war in history on this planet was fought on some variation of this basic principal, even if veiled behind another " front cause. But this HUGE DINGUS KHAN, is an elected official, who did it during his inaugural speech on of all days- 

  Dr Martin Luther Kings Holiday which celebrates UNITY.

Just in case you have been, held hostage in a cave,  in a submarine  busy being probed by aliens,  out of touch,  here's what the elected representative ( Governor) of the people of the had to say to the people he was elected to represent ( in Alabama);

 “Anybody here today who has not accepted Jesus Christ as their savior, I’m telling you, you’re not my brother and you’re not my sister, and I want to be your brother.”

I probably don't even need to point out how that pretty much excludes anyone who does NOT believe in not ONLY in his specific deity but indeed that his specific deity had an illicit affair with a virgin that is against his own rules and then didn't pay child support the kid was homeless. (it din't end well read the book, theres like 7 versions)

Wow.   Ok.  Wow.  Excuse me for a second while I go bang my face on a 2x4 that I have driven rail road spikes through because my dalmatian just facepalmed and asked if we could possibly move farther away from Alabama.   I woke up this morning to find out that the cat who is a bitch had simply packed her shit and already left leaving only a note saying, don't contact me this is far too humiliating.  Finally I agree with her.

So let me get this straight.  We have a delay so stuff like a star spangled nipple pasty on Janet Jackson doesn't slip out  in public but shit like this CAN just fly from his mouth like he's a direct Representative of GOD on earth here to pass out judgement like he knows all these dead birds and magnetic pole shifts are indeed the sign of the apocalypse? ( wait . shit. I should call him and check on that maybe later)  

Is this dude related to Miss Arkansas?  I mean really? I saw that "scholarship show" ( because smart people need high heels that match their bikinis too y'all)  and guess what.   That poor girl doesn't have a friend on this big blue marble.  You know how I know this?     THIS is how I know this.  Exhibit A

UGLY ASS sequin jumpsuit. and yodeling Ventriliquist dummies.

So basically she has no friends.  A friend says, " you have brocolli in your teeth, yeah that dress makes your ass look huge, or NO THAT TALENT IS STUPID AS HELL AND YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT. " Really they let this poor girl go on a National show with what is equal to having a fist sized boil on her nose and massive camel toe. 

Which leads me back to Alabama Governor Mc Doucheydouche.  

He has no real friends.  Real friends would go, " Dude, I respect your relationship with your higher power, I also am proud of you for getting elected to this political position,  but since it's 2011, and there's this new thing called separation of church and state, I know totally freaking crazy right?,  also?  it's MLK day, and  your not going to believe this but we don't really have gun control, and they invented this new shit called the internet so if you do indeed go ahead do your usual asshattery it's going to go viral in seconds, I accept that you have the judgement of that dead armadillo we passed on the way to the stage full of press microphones, so I went ahead and edited your speech just a tad so you wont set our state back to circa 1914, because I love our state, and you, that's what friends are for man."

BAM- NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED.    BUT HE DOESN'T HAVE A FRIEND.

or a speech writer,   ( but I bet he has 1 of those things now, guess which 1)

In lieu of the obvious need for all heathens to evacuate the great noble state of Alabama,  I as a neighboring southern state will go ahead and set up a Heathen refugee camp.   It wont be pretty but refugee camps aren't supposed to be.   You will need to bring your own potted meat, road kill or peanut butter ( yeah peanut butter was invented there folks pay homage now ) your own pillows and toilet paper.

Directions-  Simply  Turn your back on the Alabama Governors Mansion and start walking toward the BP Oil Spill,  stop just before you smell the waft of urine soaked streets and Jazz Music. 

Or we are gluing these over all the yard sale signs we can find along the way. 

If re-incarnation is real I think at best I am currently looking at cat turd status

xo

PEACH OUT

LIVING WITH A TRANSFORMER- also this makes me hotter.

The first 5 years my husband and I were married my husband got confused with a TV star A LOT.  Especially by foreign people for some reason.
It confused me at first because I totally didn't get it but then when I found out which TV star I was like OH !
Then I fell down laughing my ass off because he was convinced it was Harrison Ford or the pre-abusive Mel Gibson.  This is who everyone from another country that met us said my husband  the first 5 years we were married looked exactly like-

slipper on, slipper off, OH big Movie Star !


Then we moved to Florida and he finally let me give him a makeover and then everyone said OMG you look just like

It probably didn't help we had a menacing kid named D with blonde hair.

Then he just kind of  become the Droid.   Because he burned out his emotion chip and has the social interaction skills of a piece of driftwood combined with the fashion sense of a 3 year old and the dance skills of a rubber band. Our last name is synonymous with science fiction and he is an ubber geek.  Meaning, he is functional, intelligent,  reliable, but basically void of any human emotions or interaction.  So he is  "The Droid" and has been for quite a few years.  

I can not compute this human interaction you exhibit.


Then yesterday he woke up "odd"  and when your nickname is "Droid" and you wake up "odd" people get really freaking scared.   I understand the magnetic poles are shifting and they are having to change our astrological signs and re number run ways and shit but come on,  do NOT fuck with my man ok?  

He went from Droid
to
 UBBER DICK HEAD PRIME
TRANSFORMERY DECEPTICON THING
Yeah I know right?
 DOUBLE DOUCE WTF?  

But we were in the car and I had my phone and snagged some pics of the situation.

I think the camera was like his transformer antenna thing or whatever
but more importantly here was my reaction.

Yes I was freaked out at first but then I realized in this scenario I would become this chick

and lets face it, that shit right there, makes me pretty fucking hot. But I would still be married to a supper Ubber Dick Decepticon Transformer Former Droid Dennis The Menace Dad  Mr Rogers Dude.

Then I remembered, by being the chick above I would also be the chick below.

and face it yall.  There really isn't much shit hotter in the Universe then an Amazon Princess with an invisible Airplane and Lasso of Truth that has kick ass golden bracelets.  So I can totally control my situation and probably help the earth too.  While I am so fucking hot everyone around me needs to wear asbestos panties because I am so SO FUCKING HOT.  Did I mention I'm fucking hot?


XO
PEACH OUT